The end of a beginning
2003-07-21 17:58:01 (UTC)

Venting cuz I feel all shot to hell

I'm having a hard time with this. . . I feel like
everything is crumbling at the seams and that I have no
opportunity to set things right. . .I need to talkto
someone who knows me like Adam does, but there's no one
around and I've got my guard up to Adam. . .But
whatever. . .I can't wait to get to work so that I can
start to earn something to pay my way, I feel like such a
mooch here in my father's house, like a house guest that
has invited herself. I wish Icould just crawl out from
under this rock I've planted my self beneath and be the
happy bouncy Jocelyn I once was, but of course things
change and I'm one of them. I need something that I haven't
found yet, it feels like this ellusive thing is dangling
before me, just out of my outstretched arm's reach. I feel
trapped too, like I'm in some sort of vicious cycle that
just won't release me. . . UGH!! I feel frustrated, that
I'm not good enough to be or do everything that's been
appointed to me, what if I fail in the goals that I've set
for myself? What if everything doesn't pan out as
planned??? What if I remain this lonely saturday night
loser that I currently am? And I never get out of this rut
that I'm in, my waist keeps expanding and I can't help but
think it's shrinking every time I pull up the fork? How in
the hell do I fix everything that I've done wrong to put
myself in this place this past year or so?? I can't see
through my own mist and laziness, at least not far enough
to see a clear solution. . .I need a friend, a real friend,
so bad now it's just not funny. But anyway, I've vented
myself nearly to sleep. . .