This is the beloved air I breathe
2003-07-21 06:01:35 (UTC)

Say the words "I love you"

It's been an interesting summer, if you guys haven't
already guessed from my other entries. I've been dating
this guy for a while. I really like him, and I hope that
things work out between us. Lately I've been frustrated,
though, cause I really want to hear the words "I love
you", but you want to know the funny thing? I'm not in
love with him. Maybe I'm hoping that if He can love me, I
will fall in love with him too. Well, here's the
thing...I am beginning to love him, in a relationship kind
of way...but not in that romantic kind of love sort of
way. Does that make sense?

I was driving home from his house tonight, thinking over
something that I said to him about this subject...I told
him that I was allowing myself to fall in love with
him...he told me that he doesn't say things like that
until he means them and it hasn't been long enough at all
(he said it in much nicer terms than that, though). He's
right. As I was driving, I was thinking about all the
other times I've thought I was in love. The most recent
time being with a guy who did not return it. You know
it's funny, but with that guy that I started writing about
almost a year and a half ago, I really did love him, and
all I wanted was for him to return some affection. With
the guy I'm dating now, I have so much affection, he's
such a wonderful guy and he says and does so many of the
perfect things, but that love isn't there...not yet
anyways. Don't they say that love is something that grows
slowly, though? It takes root and slowly develops. it's
putting that other person before your own needs. He
doesn't love me.
As I was driving tonight, I started thinking about God's
love. It's something I've kind of been avoiding recently,
I'm not exacly sure why, but my past two journal entries
describe some of it. My soul craves love. God can love
me the way that I need to be loved. I do not want to be
the needy girl who needs to get any of her desires met by
a guy, because that creates an unrealistic dependance. I
found a poster in a store the other day and i bought it.
This is what it says:

"Nothing is more practical than Finding God, That is, than
falling in love in a quite absolute, final way. What you
are in love with, what seizes your imagination, will
affect everything. It will decide what will get yout out
of bed in the morning, what youd o with your evenings, how
you spend your weekends, what you read, who you konw, what
breaks your hearts, and what amazes you wiht joay and
gratitude. Fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide
everything." Pedro Arrupe, SJ

It's true. You know why I've been so lost lately?
Because I don't love anybody right now. Well, I do, my
best friend and my parents, and some of my other friends,
but I mean, I don't have anyone to fill that void in me.
That's cause I kind of kicked God out. Maybe it was
partly to make room for this new guy coming in, but I
don't think that was really it, cause this started to
happen way before my boyfriend. The danger is, is that by
kicking God out, I will by nature become unhappy, and then
eventually I will kick this other guy out as well.

I'm afraid to love him. Maybe that's the problem. Not
God...I know He's safe, maybe that's part of the problem.
Juan, my boyfriend. I'm afraid to love him. Why?
Because what if it doesn't work out. You know it's funny,
cause I'm the one who wants to draw everyone out of their
shell, I want to help him to trust me, but then I realize
that maybe I don't trust things. I want to guard my
heart. Either that's the sound of a wounded person afraid
to open up, or a smart person. Which?