Full of Secrets
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2003-07-17 05:17:32 (UTC)


Woah, there are so many things that have happened. I need
to do alot of explaining. Well last November, the 18th, my
friend Jared got into this huge car accident. He hit black
ice and slammed into a tree. When they found him he was
dead, they had to revive him. He was in a comma for over a
month. He has alot of brain damage and doesn't remember
much. He is still in the hospital. I miss him ='(. I also
broke up with Chris in December. I was really weird, and
the biggest mistake of my life. A few days before the
Christmas holiday I went up to Chris and told him that
things just weren't working out, I felt really bad about
it. The only reason I really broke up with him was because
of Phil, but I'll get to that later. But anyway I realized
how stupid I was so the next day I went up to him and told
him I was sorry and I didn't mean what I said, so he dumped
me. I guess it just wasn't ment to be. We're still friends,
we're planning on going to the Great Escape, with my Youth
Group, on the 30th. Now for Phil... First of all let me
just say that Phil is an poop head, and that I am too for
believing him. Well anyway, Phil told me that he liked me
and at the moment I wasn't too happy w/ Chris, so he said
if I dumped Chris then he would dump Sarah and we could go
out. so I did, I dumped Chris, I still feel stupid about
it. So anyway Phil said that we were going out now, but
later on the phone Elyse said that he didn't dump Sarah, so
he was bragging about having two girlfriends. I was really
mad, so I called him up and he said he couldn't dump sarah,
so I was stuck with noone, cuz I had dumped Chris for Phil
and Phil wouldn't dump Sarah. Well I went the whole
Christmas holiday feeling lousy. Then after Phil asked me
out, and me being a fool, I said yes. He was really nice at
first. I went over to his house cuz we were going to go to
his youth group. Me and Phil sat in his car for like an
hour waiting for his dad to come out, it was fun though. He
was tickling me and we were goofing off. We finaly went to
church, we were like 45mins late, all of the people there
were real nice to me. Afterwards we went back to his house
to eat, I didn't have anything (I had a bite but I didn't
like it, Phil ate mine, Pig). But before we, more like him,
ate we went for a walk through his neighboorhood. It was
really fun. But he took these firecrackers and lit one in
the middle of the street, then this car came over the hill
and we took off running. Then the car stopped infront of
the trees we were hidding in and yelled "Whoever did that,
it kicks!" So we were like phew! Then he gets out this
sparkler, lights it and throws it at this persons house.
The porch lights turn on and we run for it, again. Then
Phil tells me that a cop lives at that house, so I was
like, great... But it was all ok. Then this guy with a
black lab started following us, it was creeping me out. So
me and Phil went to Elyse's house. When we got there
Elyse's mom was like "Natalie? Phil? What are you doing
here?" And so I said, "Running from the cops, is Elyse
home?" Her mother said yes but she was asleep, so then I
relized that it must be late. So then we went back to
Phil's house. He ate, then we went downstairs and talked
for alittle while. I got home at 10 and was 30 minutes
late, my parents never said anything about it though. Then
after going out for like a week or two, I shaved my head.
When Phil saw me he just turned and started walking the
other way, Helena (Bestest NewYork bud)tryed to talk to
him, but it didn't work. So for three days he completely
ignored me, he took different paths in the hallway so he
wouldn't see me, he wouldn't answer his phone, would hide
out in the library. I got so mad that it was probably good
that he was hiding from me cuz I probably would have
punched him. Then a few days later, out of the blue Phil
called me up. He said that he was really sorry and that he
really misses me. He said he that he lost someone he truly
loved. And of course I was afool again and accepted his
apology. So that Friday we went rollerblading, it was the
worse date I've ever been on. First he tryed to get me to
eat these really nasty tattertots, he was like "Ew these
are grose, here try one!" Then he spit coke all over me. It
was an accident but it was still gross. I had said
something funny and he had just taken a drink and he spit
it all out on me. Then some of his "female friends" came
and he started flirting/hanging with them, and left me
sitting on the bench. Then he came over and spilled, on
purpose, invisable ink all over me! I got really cold cuz
of that. Then he brought me home 30 minutes past my curfew.
My mom was pretty mad. Then like a week later he asked me
to go to the school dance, I really didn't want to go but
he begged me till I did. Then when I got to the dance I
couldn't find him. When I did he was dancing with my friend
Cea. He ignored me the whole time, I was really pissed.
Later I found out that he told one of my friends to come
tell me that he was breaking up with me, and if there's one
thing I can't stand is when a guy sends some one to do
his "dirty work". So I went up to him and I slapped him as
hard as I could. I think that was the most sinsable (don't
know how to spell) I ever did. Then later I tryed talking
to him. We got into this huge fight. He knocked me down on
the stairs trying to get past me. Then he started picking
up metal chairs and banging them against the wall. I was
screaming at him at the top of my lungs, and crying at the
same time. All I could think about was hitting him, hitting
him so hard. Then the principal came and told us to knock
it off or we were gunna be in big trouble. Then later I get
mad again because I found out that he's been going out with
Tara (this girl I really don't like) while he was still
going out with me. But that's all over and done with. I
wrote him a poem and gave it to him on Valentines (that was
the last time we comunicated)
Tears sprang up
As I saw you dance with another
Peopole all around me
but I was all alone
You said you felt for me
And wanted me there always
What a fool I was
To believe those lies
And even now
When you've found another
I still have these feelings I can't hold in.

A tear rolls down my cheek
A single, lonely tear filled with sadness
It is the last tear I will shed for you
I write this now to say Goodbye
Goodbye to you
Goodbye to those feelings
Goodbye to my sadness
Goodbye... Goodbye.

I know it's not that good but I don't really write poetry.
I still can't believe I broke up with Chris for him. Chris
is the only one I've ever loved. Besides Vanja, but that's
a different story, I really didn't love Vanja like I do
Chris. I mean I still love Vanja with all my heart and soul
but it's not the same. It's 1am right now but I don't feel
like sleeping, I want to do anything but. Will was online a
few minutes ago but he said he had to "get". I don't
believe he really left cuz right after that he signed on to
msn, he's still on now. Oh well, I guess I can get boring
sometimes. I really wish I could forget about my feelings
for Chris. It would make everything alot easier. I still
get really upset about it sometimes. Sometimes cry myself
to sleep, with his teddy bear. Oh ya did I forget to say?
Chris gave me the cutest teddy bear right after I heard
about Jared's accident. I've never got a teddy bear from
someone before, his was the first time. I've slept with it
everynight since I got it. Of course he doesn't know about
either fact. If he did thigs would probably just get alot
weirder. Sometimes I just want to talk to someone about
what's happened. I haven't yet and it's been bottling up
inside me. I haven't told anyone how I feel. I don't have
anyone to tell. I want to tell Will sometimes but I don't
know where I'd start or what to say. Then I'm afraid that
he'll think I'm stupid for being upset of such stupid
things, and I should get over it. I just don't know, I need
someone to talk to...

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