This is the beloved air I breathe
2003-07-17 04:55:51 (UTC)

Dear God...

Dear God,

I've been frustrated with things lately. I see some of
the people that represent you and it frustrates me. I
know that we are all only humans, and the way that we
represent you pales in comparison with who you really are,
but I'm so frustrated that the people who need you the
most are the ones who are the most wounded by stupid
arrogant Christians. It bothers me so much that I'm not
even sure if I want to be a part of things anymore. I
have so many doubts. I have doubts about myself...I'm
such a human, I have so many flaws, and I've already given
up at trying to live up to the standards that I have tried
to set for myself. Does this make me a failure? Will I
never be able to reach a standard for myself?

God, I have this fear. I fear that I'm not religous
enough to fit in with the religious people, but I'm not
secular enough to fit in with the secular people. I'm not
sure where I stand on things, and I'm not sure how this is
all going to work out in the end. God, I know that you
are real, and personal and loving. I have seen your
amazing power in so many ways in my own life and in the
life of others, and I still believe that you are the
answer for wounded souls, but I'm not sure how to reach
you. You tell me in the bible that if I seek you I will
find you, well, I'm seeking, but I doubt what I believe
your answer to me is. Does that make sense? In other
words, I'm not sure if I recognize your voice anymore.
Maybe I'm shutting it out, I'm not sure.

Am I being disobediant to you? I think about all my
flaws, and start do depress that I'm not a good Christian,
and then I look at the Old Testament. I look at the
people you used. Abraham, Jacob, even King David who was
a man after your own heart. He was so flawed. That
realization helps me to realize that you use me regardless
of my flaws. Does that give me an excuse not to hold to
my convictions?

God, I started dating someone. On one hand I'm emberassed
to admit this, because I'm afraid that everyone will think
that I'm just compriomising on a commitment that I made.
Do you think that's what I'm doing? Did I relinquish your
best for me? This guy is a really great guy, and I
couldnt' have asked for a guy who treats me better. Am I
supposed to be hopelessly in love? Cause I'm not. I
really like this guy, and he's all I could ask for in a
guy, but something tells me that he's not the one. I
think he feels the same way about me. Us dating was
something that just sort of happened. Maybe that's a good
thing though, maybe it will be a slowly forming, deep root
building love. You know? Maybe it's good that we just
didn't rush headfirst into this passionate whirlwind
romance of "love". We're getting to know each other.
You know what though, God? This sort of thing reminds me
of my true colors. To the core, I truly am selfish.
Why? I want to learn to get over this. The problem is, I
want to be reassured that I'm not being taken advantage
of. That I didn't relinquish my devotion for someone who
is just along for the ride. Us dating was just something
that just happened, but as far as I can tell, it's been
awesmoe thus far.

Lord, it's wierd, cause I'm having my own frustrations
with you, but not once have I doubted other's need for
you. Does that make sense? I really want you to work in
the heart of this guy I'm dating. I want him to be the
better for having dated me, and maybe that means he'll
leave with a deeper intimacy with you. I have a feeling
that he's been given the wrong idea about you from a
select few of those "Christian" types with whom I'm so
frustrated right now. That's the very reason that I'm
frustrated with them. If they really loved you, wouldn't
they see that by their piousness they are driving the ones
who need you the most away from you?

One thing that I do realize though, is that by being so
frsutrated with your church and your people, I'm limiting
you. I do realize that if you choose to, you can work in
the heart of any person you choose to. we are predestined
and called according to your purpose. God, I pray that in
spite of my doubts, in spite of my weaknesses and in spite
of my frustrations, that you would use me. I pray that
your voice would pierce me heart as an arrow does an
apple, and that you would speak words of encouragement,
refreshment and purpose into my heart. I pray that I
would not be one of those hyppocrates with whom I'm so
frustrated, and that you would teach me how to be a
Christian - a follower of Christ - without
being "religious".
I love you Lord, and I need you, and I want to follow you
so badly, but I'm not sure what the best way to do that is
right now. Will you please teach me? Will you guide me?
Will you send someone else to mentor me and show me who
you are through their own experience? Will you please
undo all the hurt and misguidance that any of my errs have
caused others?

"for you created my inmost being, you knit me together in
my mother's womb, I praise you beacuse I am fearfully and
wonderfully made, your works are wonderful, I know that
full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was
wrought in the secret place, when I was woven together in
the depths of the earth...Search me oh God and know my
heart, test me and know my anxious thoughts, and lead me
in the way everlasting" Psalm 139