2003-07-14 20:50:57 (UTC)

no sleep and trains

on the train home from work i was so tired i felt like
vomiting... i was all nervous during my last tutoring
session because my boss was observing me and i had 6 kids,
which is way too much. but my boss was nice to me, as he
always is. he said i am clearly an insanely empathetic
person...which makes for a good teacher.. he said he knows
i am sometimes embarrassed at the extent of my empathy...
that word
keeps coming up doesnt it?

i couldnt sleep on the train... read some of the times..
felt so sick... things were all blurry, nothing seemed
real... the book im reading says that insanity and delirium
come from too many years of not sufficiently shaking off

somewhere along the way i thought i saw chris... really all
bushy haired blonds in suits are him for a second. and i got
this flash of kissing, of being naked, of that feeling of
vulnerability and it was shocking. shock to the system. it
was almost too much, seeing my body on the subway seat,
feeling so inside me body, feeling so closed off with my
thoughts, feeling my own skin, it was hard to remember times
when i didnt feel like that. times when i felt the border
between me and another body dissapear. remembering
nakedness. calmness. comfort, times where there were no
thoughts.. another persons body so close to yours...
looking into their eyes while they are inside you... its so
hard to think about... like it didnt really happen, its an
alien memory.

i dont know after that i decided against the fucking that
dude i was contemplating about. that and i had a dream
someone was trying to push their dick in me and i woke up
feeling nasty and dirty. i really wish i could just be a
free love hippie. i really do. i just dont think i am. i
cant help feeling this is my body, and you have to somehow
deserve sharing it with me. i dont know.

ive been living in fanstasy alot these days... i cant even
detail it out... but i havent really been in reality... i
mean i go to work, i help the kids... i come home... i get
ready for this move but even more so than usual i am in
dreamland. usully some kinda romantic dreamyniess... always
a different guy... and usually dreams about book tours...
ive been happy tho. ive been liking my life.
for now... try to hold onto this feeling and figure out how
to go about makin dreams reality...