2003-07-14 06:33:33 (UTC)

it's my nature

I have to be hyper-sensitive and overly analytical and take
everything too seriously.
It's my nature.

I enjoy emotional conflicts. I love being in a state of
intense anxiety, pacing back and forth between my bed and
the door, wearing Alex's big black sweatshirt with my arms
I'm not as calm as I act. Sometimes I'm just overwhelmed
and paralyzed by everything I percieve.

I could sacrifice my pride to be with him.

This is the impression of him I recorded in my sketchbook
when I encountered him a few months ago (the day I was
fired and wandered around in the rain murmering to myself)-

"He is very handsome, but that is his only quality to be
admired. He is superficial and insincere and typical. He
hit on me unceasingly. I gathered, because he was
indiscrete about it, that he preys on girls who lack
intelligence and self-esteem because he just has to tell
them they're hot and they'll fuck him."

I see him so differently from that now, and I'm confused.

Why is he doing this to me? I'm not easy, I'm not like the
idiotic girls he described that day. I'm shy and bookish
and strange. So why is he doing this to me, and why am I
falling for it?

He cast a spell on me with his hands.

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