things running through my mind.
2003-07-14 01:48:53 (UTC)

Lets see .. a lil while ago i..

Lets see .. a lil while ago i was sittin at the table with
my mom adn dad and eatin dinner taht my mom had just made
for all us..... which i didnt like turkey but i was
thankful for it the martha called and since i havent seen
her all summer and that i miss her and she went to ny and
she has to tell me stories bout it.She asked me to come
over adn soi thought it would b fine... but then when i
asked it was a no right away and that made me mad... then
my dad was like cuz i need help 2maro and no one will b
home.. i go u can do u by urself i never help u neways and
then he sed i kno u guys never help me and my mom started
yellin bout all the stuff she had doen for him while hes
been hurt so far.. and then they brought up bout last year
wen mom was sick and he did nuthin to help her... and then
dad told me that i wasnt passionate bout ne thing ... and
all i had to say was.. "i kno" and "i dont care"... cuz i
really dont i dont kno how to love ne thing or how to care
bout ne thing so much. i mean wen a guy likes me i pull
away from him thats not right wen sum1 likes u u normally
want to get closer to him and try to become better friends
but HEY not me i wasnt raised like taht so i dont kno...
all i kno is to pull away and try to avoid them.. i get
scred to talk to them and i ignore them and turn my head
from them.. but if they dont liek me or dont tell me i want
them and i try to get them to like me, which seems all
wrong if im gunna just leave them wen they do like me.
NEHOW>.. then my dad started to cry and went up stairs....
i kinda felt bad i mean i never saw him like that then i
thoguth i dont care we all feel the same and me tryin to
pretend to b nice to them wasnt gunna help ne one it would
just make me more and more miserable.. cuz im fakin it and
i hate fakin my whole life away!!!.. he came back then my
dad started tellin my mom how she had a mental problem with
only him and that she need to figure it out and get help
cuz its only against him.. and my mom sed no im gone and
told him that she was leavin.... he was like wen and my mom
sed wen u get better im leavin and she was like im takin
the kids and leavinand that we can come and visit him wen
ever we want and that shes just leavin him in this house...
then they got in an agruement and for the first time i
wasnt the main topic of it with them goin back and forth
bout how im like him no im like her....... and they were
just not yellin yet just talkin mostly bcuz my dad was
hurt and he.. did finally show that he had feelings. Then i
ran up to my room.. and i started to write in my journal
but then my mom came in and told me i could go to marthas
if i just get picke dup round 11 and... i said o no im fine
i wont go even tho deep down inside i really really wanted
to go..:( then i had signed i wen i first came up stairs
and i went back out of my room to go back on cu zi didnt
want ne one to turn it off or to go on it cuz i really need
to write in here to get all my feelings out.. and then he
had to complain bout how i just ran out and got on the
comuter and that i act like its only mine.. see i cant go
on the computer with out havin and attitude but w/e ill
just put on another act like i dont care and that thing
just dont bother me....ah! yay! well i kno sum ppl care
bout me cuz i put up and away message that (had a mad face
then sed ... im not in the mood) and chris read it and imed
me and asked y:) then laura morehouse im me and sed carm??
which showed she cared..:) then downer imed me and sed
heycutie which shows he didnt read it but then he sed ok..
well call me if ur up to it.. and that made me really happy
to kno that i can talk to ppl if i wanna cuz sum ppl do
care and that im not just another person in there
life...:):):):D... im stilll mad that i didnt just go over
to marthas.. my mom is on a walk now natalie is over
lindseys and my dad is watchin tv sum where... and im glad
taht im left alone to write in here to.. express how i feel
at the moment if i dint have these journals i dont kno wut
i would do... cuz it takes me way longer to write this all
out. I also always get yelled at for not eatin but lets see
wut did i eat today... sum dry cereal then a pudding and
krave bar and usm mango then dinner so not too bad ive gone
the whole day this summer with out eatin cuz i just get
those times wen i dont feel hunger nemore... i really wish
i had a very close person i could tell all this too but
there isnt ne one and my sister isnt here.But i really dont
kno how much i would tell her ne how. I cant tell kim cuz
she seems like she just ouldnt care if i did tell her
brandy i dotn really talk to on the phone that much,besides
shes prob with bryan theres nothin wrong with that... its
just they are gettin really close and i use to b brandys
best bud and now im not?.. but hey i cant change taht i
need a b/f that i can tell stuff too but then i wont ever
get one cuz i cant seem to find ne one that i wont pull
away from.. it all my fault!!! i hate my life and i wanna
die but then i watch tv and things about famous ppl and how
bad there lives were wen they were young and how it changed
wen tehy were older and that u cant just forget your life
just cuz u dont like it at the moment u have to stick with
it and just keep hopin.. and i am really tryin... i also
think of all the ppl who have way way worst lives.. i mean
both my partens care for me and want me to do good and
stuff tehy just have a very mental killin way of showin it
and i cant deeal with it sum times other times i can put on
my fake acted and try to just laugh it off but other times
i just break down and cant do that... Then other day my
moms cell rang my mom went to my sisters room after she
answered it and i knew it wasnt ne of her friends by the
way she answered it i knew it was sum1 bout a house or
usmthing cuz ikno shes been lookin for a house to move into
wen she leaves. Then my dad i knew was tryin to listen wt
they erw talkin bout so i tried to talk to him i asked him
wut kinda pizza they got and if they got me the round pizza
or not then i tried to b mad and just talk cuz they didnt
and then i tried blow dryin my hair wen it was dry just to
make noise.... well she hung up and then dad goes who was
that ans she sed it was Jean from the boat in a quiet very
fake voice i could so tell she was lyin, then dad said shes
on a boat with 35 mile winds i dont think so and my mom sed
well i guess so thats wut she sed.. then u could really
tell she was makin it up and dad sed wut do u think im
stupid who was that and natalie sed what do u think shes
lyin.. and i knew right then she shouldnt of sed that cuz
she was lyin and u could tell cuz she sed nuthin back to
him and for the rest of the day wasnt in a very good mood
with him... and i still havent gotten around to tell
natalie that she was lyin and that she should just mind her
own business.... cuz i feel that i should. well.... i dont
kno wut to to mayb ill just go back to readin harry potter
which i have been doin all day,and harry life is worse then
mine the book is makin me mad cuz noth