humming bird

my F***ed up head
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2003-07-13 23:03:50 (UTC)

yeah right

So me and mark are back to not talking- i am sick and tired
of being screwwed over by him, i am sick of giving up some
of the best things i got for him becuz i think that maybe
it'll get us somewher and the only place i ever end up is
right where i am again, crying and telling myself how
stupid i am for ever thinking that he could just grow up.
he takes advantage of everything and everyone. everyone
does everything for that kid and he doesnt realize that he
should be in debt to the whole world. he sits on his ass
and bitches about how fucked things are for him and yet he
never does anything to try and fix it, everyone else helps
him but he never helps himself. he doesnt know that i would
have been there for him for as long as he needed, he doesnt
know that i never would have done anything to hurt him and
that for soem reason all i want is to make him happy becuz
i know that he isnt, he may act like it sometiems but he's
not and i know it and i want to help him and make him
realize that he needs to do something with his life. but i
cant no one can he needs to realize it for himself and by
me sticking around and trying to fix his life im screwwing
mine up more and more and not doing any good for him. i
keep taking one step forward and two steps back and he isnt
even going anywhere. he fell in love once in his whole life
and got hurt repeatedly becuz he kept hoping that she would
change nd that they could go back to the way they were when
they were first togehter and after everything she did to
him he figures that that is what everyone is going to do to
him, had he never went out with jenny he might be a good
person, he might be a nice guy who went to college and
didnt get kix out of doing stupid shit, he doesnt even try
to be the person he is capable of being and he thinx of
jenny as a mess up- as everything that went wrong and as a
reson to not trust anyone and to hate everyone- he doesnt
hink of her as a lesson, as something to learn from and
make him stronger and he is bitter towards the whole world
and thinx that everyone owes him so its ok for him do what
he does.she got to him at the most influential time in his
life and did serious damage, he is almost 19 and going
nowhere fast, and all i want is to change it, i wanted so
bad to make him realize that there will be people out there
that will be there for him and not hurt him and not use him
and abuse him and tear him down, but how am i spose to be
that person when all those things are the things he does to
me, i dont need that, im not much better then him, i need
someone to be there for me and take care of me and hold me
and tell me everything will be ok. i did that for him. he
was shrooming, he wouldnt let me leave him alone and i held
hima nd i kissed him and i told him he would be ok and that
i wouldnt let anything happen to him and i took care of
him, and look where i am. alone and hurt and crying, do u
know what its like to wake up in the morning and roll over
and think why did i have to wake up, why couldnt i just
sleep forever and then start thinking about how much u hurt
and why and becuz of who and everything that is wrong with
ur life and one of the first thoughts of ur day is i want
to die


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