ShadowDawn

aRegretfulSerenity
2003-07-13 03:56:06 (UTC)

the self-righteous samaritan

2marrow, i leave. for 6 goddamn weeks.
gonna be a counselor at a camp.
i need the $$ to pay for AC next year, cuz its my last
year and i wanna go out with a bang. but more imminently, i
juss wanna stay home with my friends and sort out the lil
things, u kno?
and i do need to sort those things out. im wicked
confused, i feel neglected, but 4 no good reason. cuuuzzz
im NOT neglected, rite? but still, the feeling lingers. wht
the hell do i want? i mean really want? i need 2 kno my
desire, my passion, and i need 2 pursue it. BUT i dont kno
it, so thats gonna be kinda difficult.
i hate it went my logical and emotional sides battle each
other. it makes me feel goddamn schizo. i mean, my
emotional side goes haywire over sumthin small, rite? i
mean, i AM a sensitive person, contrary to popular belief.
but then my logical side kix in, saying "get over it, u emo
child! its a small, trivial matter, so suck it up, and move
on." then the war begins. bc i KNO that it shouldnt matter
and im juss acting like a lil middle-skooler, but my
emotional side just reFUSES to let go! and i end up juss
sittin there with a blank stare on my face as my brain and
heart prepare to explode.
i hate it. but then again, maybe i dont... u kno, after
sum thought, maybe i actually like it. pain i mean. no not
physical shit, i mean the emo shit. i think that i
constantly find myself in these heart-aching situations bc
i sumhow put myself in them.
i dunno. maybe i see my life thru sumone elses eyes, like
a camera man, and i see myself as the self-less hero who
sacrifices everything, even happiness, for sumone else. but
the truth is, i created that role and put myself in it. im
not that hero by nature. im nothing but a self-righteous
bastard to desprerately wants sumone to notice my actions
and admire me for them. i just want to be sumone ppl look
up 2... the unsung hero, the good samaritan, the faceless
rescuer. the problem is, im too selfish 2 remain faceless.
i want that fame, that recognition. i crave attention all 2
much, and im ashamed of it...
but i cant stop. i dont know how. i only know two roles
in life: the life of the party, or the tortured artist.
neither roles in themselves are shameful, but in the
fashion in which i use them, they are nothing short of
dispicable. i should be shunned from society.

...then again, maybe this whole entry is nothing more than
yet another selfish attempt at pity, sympathy, and
admiration...

...sometimes i hate myself.


*Until 2marroW*
~MaxWood~




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