2003-07-12 18:15:06 (UTC)

dance dance dance dance dance to the radio....

since i started working ive been feeling much better, on top
of the world, cloud nine... well something like that... this
assistant teaching thing is very fulfilling... i like
watching the eager young faces... althought last week my
boss told me this college has a 23% graduation rate or
something like that... i get up at 6am... shower, get ready,
walk to the train, sit on it for an hour to brooklyn... walk
to the college... and by 3, when i leave im totally
exhausted... walk across the brooklyn bridge and if i have
energy and its not too hot.. up to union square or penn
station... so i dont have time to dawdle over torturous
things... my immediate decision to not be bitter was a good
one i think... right now i cant fathom ever begining to
trust anyone again but im sure one day it will happen...
have also been insatiably horny... yesterday i masturbated 6
times with my new jenna jamison vibrator (thank you wu) i am
in some kinda heat again... and seriously contemplating
near-stranger sex with a certain someone that i know has the
same sexual tastes as i do... i dont know if i will really
do this but i am so tempted... i always thought it was not
in my nature to sleep around... i always felt like such shit
the next day during my slut year... but i dont know.. after
saving my virginity for 22 years and giving it up to a two
timing alcholic scumbag... makes me think a little
differently about sex. really about everything. i was
thinking the other day... i am young. these are supposed to
be my wild days... i want a good romp with a young robust
boy. is that so bad? i cant have a boyfriend. does that mean
i have to go sexless? i dont think it should. i think ill
just give it a shot and see how i feel. esecpially if this
horniness continues...
what else. i am moving again... to what is technically
jackson heights but i will still always say i live in
astoria... i feel this new apartment will be better for
me... there is more light, much more quiet... much more
ideal for writing. high celings... gray carpet..

i haven tbeen writing in here although i sometimes think
things in my head, where i pretend i am writing it in here.
such an odd space this is. not like my journal.. not like a
word program or a notebook or an email or a letter... so
crazy how there are so many different kinds of writing...
tonight i am going to culture club to get bombed and dance
the night away to 80's songs. i think i am going to dress
up, wear my hair in a side ponytail like i used to when i
was little... spandex hot pink shorts... eva jordan big blue
top.... ahahhaa too bad i never wore earrings....

last night was so lovely.. julie came over to help me
pack... packed up all my books then smoked a j and watched
the angelina jolie interview... iris came over and we drove
to the south street seaport... sat in an outdoor restaurant
on the water... full moon and pirate ship right in front of
us... good food, good drinks... then i came back and passed
out... i like nights like that...
ive been having little conversations with myself... about
faith. about the world. about existing. i sometimes see
myself from very far away/ from very high up, or very close,
or sideways... now that i think about it those moments when
i see myself and other people are similar to the way i feel
when i have a fever. things are both very close and very
far, very big and very small. some kind of place where there
really isnt such a thing as size or dimention or distance.
and thinking that what makes being here different, is that
we are kind of acting. acting in all senses of the word. we
are acting, action. we act. make choices that manifest
themselves. is this what free will is? and in order to have
free will you must have faith... the quatum physics
dictum... that nothing is 100%.... we all have a sense of
that truth... if nothing is 100%, i think it is that way
because that is what allows for free will... and what makes
up that .000000001% that we are shy of 100? i think that is
faith. the smallest percentage, but the most important.
faith as in all kinds of faith. faith that you are here for
a reason. faith that there are things you must do. faith in
love. faith in other people. faith in goodness. faith in
connections. faith in some kind of reality, even tho you
will never understand it.
i need this faith, that is why i need to be naive, and i
need to no be bitter... because trust is almost all
comprised of faith... and i needed a higher faith to get
through this.. faith that everything is not a lie, although
it very well could be...

i gottafinish packin...