Welcome to own demise
2003-07-09 12:55:46 (UTC)

elephants on parade

so last night ihad a talk with mr man. and my thoughts and
developing fears were pretty much all confirmed last night.
since ive been doing nothing but eating lately, he's
staring to see me in a different light, and the lazy boring
lucia isnt one hes too fond of. its a damn shame that who i
am though. all i ever wanna do is just hang out. esp. with
all the stresses ive had on my mind, all i really wanna do
is sleep my problems away.

the other night i was so upset and i didnt really know why.
i had a glimpse into the furture and for a brief second i
was overwelmed by this feeling that...... he is going to do
something with himself. he's gonna be just fine. and once
he gets there....hes not gonna need nasty me.

i cant help but think of the nights in my basement, when he
sat there and cried and told me that he's deathly afraid of
me dumping him and crushing him and like destroying his
heart. well.... for some ungodly reason i feel like if and
when we were to break up for whatever reason.... id be on
the recieving end of it. i cant stand that hes so jealous
of everyone all the time, and is convinced i'm gonna cheat
on him. if anything.... he's gonna get all muscle-y and
sexy and then all sorts of stupid mass chicks are gonna be
all over his cock and is he gonna be like 'oh no i have a
gf' um no. case in point, my going away party. if those
broads were really all over him like he said, he didnt do a
whole lot about it. yea they knew him and i were together,
and even if he did just "walk away" he didnt say shit to
make them think they were unsuccessful in tryin to win him

my mom says she gives this about 6 monhs. and then i'm
gonna out grow him and im gonna wanna move on. well how can
i move on when im barely caught up?

on another note. my father is furious at me. i have to work
this weekend, its my 1st couple of days and ive been tryin
to get this job for weeks and my dad wants to me to tell
them i cant start woring until umonday so that i can go to
chicago this weekend. 1st of all if i go to chicago this
weekend i know im gonna end up getting in to it with
guillermo. and i know i wouldnt give a fuck id smash hiim
the face the best that i could. i'm supposed to be throwing
him a party fuck that he doesnt deserve a god damn thing
BUT to get smashed in the face. him and his stupid heffer
of a gf.

mr man is still sleeping. we gotta go down by my mom today.
i have to talk to my boss and get my scheduale and hes
gonna go play bball. i wanna get the morning started off
nicely, but hes gotta wake up 1st... grrrr...... oh well..

i wish i had some friends. i dont even have a girl friend i
can call and talk to about stupid trivial shit. the only
friend i really have is albert, and even with him i cant
tell him everything bc i dont want hiim to judge me. its
fucked up tho. i miss my god damn girls. i miss stephanie,
andkathryn. i miss melissa and even annie's goofy ass. i
miss them all and none of them could give a shit either
way about me. i really dont understand why it is that i can
have friends and we'll be like the bestest closest friends
ever and then within a year or 2, the friendship slowly
disinigrates until theres nothing left. i dont even know
why annie hates me. just one day she decided i was annoying
her by calling her so much, when just a few months b4 that,
both of our phones were ringing off the hook, if we werent
already at one of each others houses. i wish i could talk
to her. especially now since im with albert. shes the only
person that like understands the whole situation. melissa
too, but annie hung out with us more. oh well. maybe if
albert and i end up together for ever and god forbid i say
it.......::gasp:: get married, i'lll invite her to the
wedding. but i dunno whaever i guess right? fuck it right?
move on forget about it right? no. what the fuck. i dpont
wanna have to just forget everyone, i dont understand why
im so damn forgetable. :(

on a way lighter note,. i got my hair cut finally. i like
it. even tho i think its a little too short. albert liks it
too... which is nice i guess.... he had to get drunk and i
had to get a haircut in order for him to start paying
attention to me again. whatever tho. its cool.