once again
2003-07-08 05:28:35 (UTC)

it's just that's there's this hump

I need to get over this. I'm 1100 miles away from him and
her and I need to get this over with. I know Nicole likes
Shawn and as much I as I don't want to admit it I'm scared
that he's using her. He stole $40 from her a few weeks
back. She know it, why does she put up with it. It's
hurting me to know that they're hanging out 24/7 and
neither of them call me. I'm supposed to be a friend? I'm
not in Florida anymore I have to get over him.

I could have this great thing start with Rene. He's
awesome and we're doing this right. He's such a gentleman
and that just attracts em to him more. Almost all the time
I think of him but when I see Nicole on line I just want to
cry because I miss them. I know Shawn and I aren't meant
to be anything together but I can't get my heart to
listen. And I don't know how to make it.

Shawn fucked up big time. He got fronted a hole bunch of
shit and took John's money and lied to him about it. John
won't be his friend anymore. He's smart, getting rid of
him early in the game so he doesn't get more involved with
him then need be. I made the mistake of sticking it out
for 4 years. Now I'm stuck on him and I can't let go. I
feel so horrible inside because Rene makes me smile and
laugh and feel a way I haven't in so long. But then I sit
here and cry because I still love Shawn.

I know that if I was to cut them off completely and say
fuck it to the rest their lives I'd get over it but one, I
can't stand not knowing what is going on with them and what
ever they might be doing if they are, and two because I, as
much as I don't want to admit it am still loving Shawn
morning noon and night. I can't do this anymore because
what if Rene wants to make this thing go further? I just
don't know and I'm scared and confused and just want to be
held by him. That's the worst possible thing to do but
it's what I feel. Nicole told me to follow my heart when
making the decision to see Rene and I think it made her
happy when I went out with him. Not for my own personal
happiness, but to try and get her own personal happiness.

I just need to get over this, I just don't know how.