hopes&dreams

hopes,dreams,&fears
2003-07-05 23:12:25 (UTC)

its been so long...

So…It has been an exceptionally long time since I have
written. And to be honest… A lot has happened. Back in
May I started my spring/summer semester. The first class
in the semester ended three weeks ago, I received an A-.
The class was photography. That is one of my emphases
here at college. It was bizarre how at home I felt. The
smell of the chemicals…the deep yellow and red glow….all
of it. For the first time in a long time, I haven’t
questioned what I wanted out of all this (that being my
life and my choices).

Lynn recently moved in with her devil of a girlfriend. I
don’t know if I have written about this at all. This is
the woman who repeatedly went back to her ‘wife’ when
things with Lynn got too unsteady. And, this woman hates
me (since of new, most everyone hates me…must be the in
thing to do…Tray and I are fighting right now, so please
excuse the rough sarcasm)

Well, anyways, by Lynn packing up and moving in with the
devil, she left Michelle and myself looking for a new
roommate. So who did we ask…Tray. That is right, he has
been living with me for about a month. How is it going
you maybe thinking. Well, our relationship has certainly
seen much better days. We have called one another
everything that could possibly hurt. And you know what.
He is better at the calm name-calling…his word spear hurts
and strikes much harder than my own. Who knows, maybe
what he says has some truth behind it. But how is it that
I am continually in the wrong. I am the one who always
says the wrong things. I am the one that is controlling.
I am the one who is snappy with him. I am the one who is
selfish and manipulative. Is there anything appealing to
me at all. And no, I am not writing all of this in
efforts of receiving a compliment. But seriously. I must
truly suck. And what the fuck is he doing with me if he
hasn’t much nice to say to me and about me.

Now, I admit. The sex really hasn’t been there. I don’t
understand it. I am attracted to him. But the fighting
doesn’t help. The fact that he just started work this
week…and I am taking classes and working full time, when I
get home I am tired. And, he has a comment for everything
that I do. Not necessarily picking on me…but it isn’t
always nice. I don’t know…..I am becoming more and more
anxious by the minute do to the continually fear of saying
or doing EVERYTHING wrong…..Maybe our living together
really isn’t the best of all ideas….what a horrible thing
to say

Blows are sarcasm's turned stupid.
--George Eliot

No one can build his security upon the nobleness of
another person.
--Willa Cather






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