Caroline

The Life and Times of Caroline
2003-07-02 22:26:08 (UTC)

The Reply

This is the letter I wrote in reply to hers.


Hey Jessica,

After much thought and consideration, I decided I
needed to reply to your letter. At first when I read your
letter it made me sad, then it made me upset, then it made
me downright angry. Throughout this letter, I will be
quoting you. The quoted sections will be in bold italics.

“I’ve just lost my two best friends. I guess I know half
the reason you don’t attend our church anymore.”

First of all you have not lost your two best
friends. It is your choice to lose us. I cannot speak
for Lacey, but I never did and never do want to lose you
as a friend of mine. And second, I do not attend OUR
church anymore because when I moved in with the Mitchell
family the rule was: if you live in their house, you go to
their church. It was not at all my decision to leave
Mennonite church. Gulfhaven Mennonite is my church. I
became a member. I would never up and leave it for the
soul fact that I sinned. We ALL sin Jessica. And if we
want to be forgiven and are truly sorry for what we did,
we are also ALL forgiven.

“It is God’s will that you should be sanctified; in other
words, you should avoid sexual immorality. You both should
have controlled your body in a way that is holy and
honorable to God.”

We should have controlled out bodies? Jessica, this
brings me back to a conversation I had with you while we
were in Virginia. You told me the things you had done
with Michael. At the time you were telling me, it made my
stomach church. Letting him suck on your breasts and
giving him a blowjob is just as much a sexual sin as
actual intercourse. A sexual sin is not solely defined as
penetration of the penis into the vagina. Staying holy
and honorable to God sexually also means restraining from
sexual thoughts, things that lead to sex (i.e. kissing,
touching). Yes we should have controlled our bodies…and
so should have you. You cannot judge me for being sexual
immoral when you have been sexually immoral also.

“Lacey told me that as a friend, she looks up to me. I
like hearing those words, but from a little kid maybe.
Not from someone my own age. Those words hurt. She said
it’s just because she has sinned and I’m the only one with
my life straight. And if y’all both say your life isn’t
straight, I see why.”

“Lacey told me not to tell my mom because she did not want
her to look at her differently. She knows I tell my mom
everything. Plus, if you both didn’t do what you did,
then no one would have to look at y’all differently. Duh.
What the heck? Who wouldn’t see someone differently?
They sinned big time.

I have sinned in my past, but it was nothing compared to
what y’all have done.

All three of us sin everyday…but that DOES NOT mean that
our lives are not straight. If you sin Jessica and I sin,
but the sins that we commit are completely opposite from
each other, in God’s eyes they are viewed equally. Read
James 2:10-11 For whoever keeps the whole law and yet
stumbles at just one point is guilty of breaking all of
it. For he who said, “Do not commit adultery,” also
said “Do not commit murder.” If you do not commit
adultery, but commit murder, you have become a
lawbreaker. There is no such thing as “Sinning Big
Time”. All sin is equal. Either you sin, or you don’t.
God does not sit there and say “Well Jessica only let a
guy suck on her breasts. But Caroline actually had sex.
I will punish one harder than Jessica” NO Jessica! They
are both sexual sins. They are both a different level of
sexual sin, but in God’s eyes they are viewed the exact
same way. Sin is sin, plain and simple. This happened in
February. It has been 5 months. So much has happened in
my life since this happened to me. I have a wonderful
relationship with Christ. Through it I was only brought
closer to Him. Did you even stop to think that I felt
really guilty about this and that maybe after it happened
I got my life back straight with God? Or did you
automatically go to how you felt and not even consider the
feeling that I had when I was going through this. My life
is straight. You have talked to me since it happened and
I am ALWAYS doing well. I am in church; I love God and my
future holds a lot of wonderful GOD GUIDED opportunities
because since this happened I completely put my life in
Gods hands. Before you look at me and say that my sin is
worse or look at me and judge me look at this verse
Matthew 7:3-5 Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in
your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in
your eye? How can you say to your brother, “Let me take
the speck out of your eye, when all the time there is a
plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the
plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly
to remove the speck from you brothers eye.” I am not
saying that I am any better than you. But before you go
accusing me of sexual sin, look at your own life.

“And for the fact that you did this before youth rally,
you slept with a guy. And you didn’t call me and tell me
you wanted to talk, that really hurt Caroline.”

So what, are you saying that I am not allowed to go to
youth rally because I sinned? Did you know that I was
struggling with the fact that I had broken a promise to
God? I had asked for forgiveness and I really meant it,
but I still felt guilty even though I knew God had
forgiven me and had forgotten. I went to youth rally and
that weekend impacted me and I knew that I had been
forgiven and made new. So let me ask you, did you not sin
before youth rally? Did you go with a completely clear
conscious? The answer that is no. We are all sinners.
We come to the throne of God to be made perfect and whole
and to be FORGIVEN. I was forgiven, and youth rally only
made that fact clearer in my heart. I don’t tell secrets
to people I don’t talk to on a regular basis. You and I
hung out all the time, and then you got Joe and you were
preoccupied with him. I didn’t call you and tell you
because I never talked to you much anymore as it was. I
figured that somewhere down the line there would be a
opportunity to tell you. But it was pointless to tell you
when I didn’t really talk or hang out with much anymore as
it was. And if I sin and need to talk to someone, I
expect them to correct me in love. Not viciously attack
me without even taking my feeling into consideration.

“Some people can put on acts for the faith of God, and it
seems to me that is exactly what you and Lacey have done.
I can’t believe y’all.”

Who are you to say that I was putting on an act? I
sinned, it doesn’t mean that my relationship and the
devotion I had for God and my church was an act. If you
sinned I wouldn’t automatically say that you were putting
on an act. I would understand that we all sin and we all
stumble, but by God’s GRACE and UNDERSTANDING we are
forgiven and made whole again. Matthew 7:1 Do not judge
or you to will be judged. For in the same way you judge
others, you will be judged, and with the same measure you
use, it will be measured to you. Before you judge me, ask
yourself how you would want to be judged? Do you want
understanding and correction with love, or do you want all
of your mistakes thrown at you and then have the other
person harbor anger and unforgiveness towards you? To say
that I put on an act is judging me. It is not your place
to judge. Yes I hurt you, but ultimately I answer only to
God, not you. Romans 14:9-13 For this very reason, Christ
died and returned to life so that he might be the Lord of
both the dead and the living. You then, why do you judge
your brother? Or why do you look down on your brother?
For we will all stand before God’s judgment seat. It is
written” As surely as I live, says the Lord, every knee
will bow before me; every tongue will confess to God. So,
then, each of us will give an account of himself to God.
Therefore, let us STOP passing judgment on one another.
Instead, make up your mind not to put any stumbling block
or obstacle in your brother’s way.” God judges me, not
you. You are wrong in saying what I have done wrong and
what consequences I should have to pay and that I am
putting on an act for God. You think that I hurt you? It
feels a whole lot worse for someone to tell you that you
are putting an act on for God when all I have done is
committed a sin that I asked forgiveness for and it was
covered in the blood of Christ and FORGOTTEN! One day all
of us will have to give an account before God for OUR
actions. No one else will be there to say whether or not
we did it, or why we did it, it will be only you and God.
James 4:11-12 Brother’s, do not slander one another.
Anyone who speaks against his brother or judges him speaks
against the law and judges it. When you judge the law,
you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it,
there is only ONE Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able
to save and destroy. But you-who are you to judge your
neighbor? God is the only Lawgiver and Judge, he gives me
laws and if I break them HE and only HE rightfully judges
me.


“In Arkansas, Jane and I were talking. She wasn’t as
surprised about you and she was about Lacey. You threw
yourself at guys Caroline. I mean when enough is enough,
it’s enough.”

“Mr. Jimmy, Mrs. Debbie, Dave and Sue, and half the youth
group already know about you and Lacey. They have a right
to know. You both took an oath before God, but you also
broke it.”
Gossip: To engage in or spread gossip. Rumor or talk of a
personal, sensational, or intimate nature. A person who
habitually spreads intimate or private rumors or facts.
To prate; to chat; to talk much. To run about and tattle;
to tell idle tales. The spreading of intimate secrets of
ones life with the tongue.
James 3:6 The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among
the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, sets
the whole course of his life on fire, and is itself set on
fire by
hell.

James 3:9 With the tongue we praise our Lord and
our Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made
in God’s likeness.
I am not sure where it is in the Bible, but there is a
verse that says that if you have a problem with a brother
you should go to him. God hates gossip. Gossip is simply
defined as speaking rumors or facts about someone behind
their back without their knowledge. Jessica, if you had
a problem with Lacey and I, you should have come to us in
private. Instead you told Mr. Dave and Mrs. Sue behind my
back and the whole youth group. Do you think that only
they know now? OF COURSE NOT! That is the way Mennonite
church works, if one person knows, then EVERYONE else will
know eventually. They might as well put the rumors on the
prayer line because everyone will know by nightfall
anyway. Jane and you had absolutely no right whatsoever
to talk about me behind my back. The first reason it was
wrong is because it is gossip. If you have a problem with
another believer and you talk to someone else about that
believer before you talk to the person you have a problem
with, then it is gossip. The second reason is that Jane,
Mr. Dave, Mrs. Sue and whoever else you told was no part
of this. Apparently the way your letter was written, the
problem stood between you and I and Lacey. How do I know
the problem was only between the three of us? Because no
one else called me to talk about it. No one called me to
see how I was, or how my life was going or to see if I
needed prayer for the matter. Therefore no one should
have known until you talked to me about it. I do not
throw myself at guys. Every girl at some point in there
life is going to be boy crazy. I was. I remember several
times going to the mall with you following boys around
that you thought were cute just to talk to them…EVEN WHEN
YOU HAD A BOYFRIEND! How can you say that it’s enough and
I need to quit throwing myself at boys when I haven’t even
started? You spread idle gossip and you listened to idle
gossip and through it you BROKE MY HEART, HUMILIATED ME,
and EMBARASSED me. Jessica, you are not the only one who
got hurt through this situation. The way that you went
about this was completely wrong. You should have come to
ME FIRST! Yes I broke an oath, and it was before God. I
didn’t break it before anyone else. I made it to God, and
I broke it to Him which means that no one had the right to
know except me and God.
“And so much for Angelz Inc. There’s no such thing.
I’ve ripped the posters off of my wall, took the stickers
off my car and if you want that Angelz Inc. car tag you
got me for my birthday, I’ll be more than happy to give it
to you.”
Deuteronomy 33:35 It is Mine to avenge; I will repay. In
due time their foot will slip; their day of disaster is
near and their doom rushes upon them.
Romans 12:17 Do not repay evil with evil. Be careful to do
what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is
possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with
everyone. DO not take revenge, my friends, but leave room
for God’s wrath, for it is written: It is mine to avenge;
I will repay says the Lord.

Would you say that getting rid of the Angelz Inc. stuff
and judging me is revenge for me betraying you and hurting
you? That’s what it seems like. Revenge is God’s not
yours. Your job is to love and not harbor anger.
Tearing the Angelz Inc. stuff off your walls is repaying
the evil that I committed with evil. Proverbs 17:17 A
friend Loves at all times. No matter what you did!
“Where was God when you were having sex?”

Where was God when when you wrote this letter? You are
completely out of place with the gossip and assuming. God
was there watching me sin and hurt Him, but that is
between GOD and ME! No one else. There was no reason for
it to be between anyone else because I told several people
about it other than my friends. We worked through it and
I aksed forgivness and I was forgiven. But it was talked
about, and things were assumed and gossiped about behind
my back when in my life I had already taken care of it.

“Now about forgivness. I’m going to forgive you and
Lacey. But not at the moment. I probably won’t even
think about forgiving you and her for a while. Just for
the fact that you tow screwed up your life. In God’s
eyes, no matter what someone has done, it will take a lot
of time, but He always wants us to forgive. So am I.
Eventually.”

Ephesians 4:26-27 In your anger to not sin. Do not let
the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give
the devil a foothold.

God hates anger. Like it says in Romans, live at peace
with everyone. There will be no peace among us until you
forgive. Anger, and letting the sun go down on your anger
only gives the devil a way in to cause more mayhem among
people who were once friends and who are now becoming
enemies. You don’t have to forgive me, but it is wise not
even to let the sun go down on your anger because the
devil just gets a foot in. Anger and deceit and gossip
are just a few of the things that the devil uses to tear
things apart. All I am saying is that if you had gone
about this in a more Godly way, there might have not been
so much hurt and pain.

“When I forgive you and Lacey, I’m letting you off the
hook, but you’re definitely not off of God’s hook.”

I am off God’s hook. I asked forgiveness. How many times
have I said that now?



In conclusion, I want to say that I have made myself right
before God and whether or not you choose to forgive me is
your own decision. I have payed dearly for the sin I
commited. If you choose to lose Lacey and I as friends,
then it is a big loss on your part. We are both wonderful
people and we love you, and if you give that up, you are
losing a lot Jessica. As of me attending church at the
Mennonite church again, it will not be happeneing. You
humiliated me by telling everyone MY business. Yes, it
was mine not yours to tell everyone. I feel like a horses
butt and I feel like I have done so much wrong by the
things you wrote me in this letter that I don’t even want
to show my face ever again in that church. I quit
attending Good Shepherd and now I can’t even come to
Mennonite. Church is pointless. Everyone talks about
everyone behind their backs and no one goes to the Bible
about anything. It’s all about money and whose better and
who can talk about everyone without getting themselves
talked about, and who has more say in what goes on.
Church is not supposed to be like that. A church family
forgives and excepts no matter the circumstances because
God excepts NO MATTER WHAT! People come in and try to
make way into the crowd that has already been there…the
crowd excepts them but as soon as they stumble they stab
them in the back till all the new people are gone and the
old group is back to just them. Walk outside the comfort
zone once in a while. SIN happens! We all do it! Some
just get ridiculed so much for it that they don’t want
anything to do with church anymore. That’s the point I am
at….


~Caroline

P.S. Tell Ashley Cuevas I said congrats on her
pregnancy.....maybe we can all get toghether later and
talk about her behind her back.




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