Emily

One More in the World
2003-07-02 19:17:13 (UTC)

You Have Killed Me

I know now that you left me when I needed you the most.
You left me, when I was at my best, so you think that it's
okay to come in and save me when when I'm at my worst. But
things like that don't prove anything, true, I didn't need
any help them, but support never stops. Leaving is leaving
no matter where you go and who you are, it's all the same.
You left, and now I can't accept you. You think that by
buying me material things and putting on a transparent
smile everything will be okay, well it's not. You lie to
yourself to make you happy, but it's selfish when everyone
else knows, and somewhere so do you, you know that things
like that don't add up to anything, because lies are lies.
You can't make one true. I don't think that you deserve
the label you give yourself. The label of a mother.
You put on a face that no one can penetrate,
you listen to your voice that you have proven to yourself is full
of truth, but everyone else who hears it knows its nothing but lies.
And somewhere along the lines you'll fall into this hole as well.
You surround yourself by all the normal things because that's the
image you wish to portray, you want everyone to think you're
perfect, well no ones perfect...especially you. You say
that the problems you have caused are no longer your
problem because they're off your back now, well you have to
look at us everyday, so it is your fucking problem. Things
like this just don't go away over night. I want to turn my
back and run away, and I know I can, cause somewhere I may
actually be stronger than you, and that's what keeps me
here. The fact is I want to prove it to you, but by not
standing up for myself, I prove you right. I am good for
nothing. I am good for the jokes that are pointed at me,
and I am good for knowing that I made you happy by creating
a failure. You say that you're old enough for some
responsibility, well prove it to us all, stop walking away
when your family needs you the most, and stop walking away
when you're daughter is crying. I'll give you the
satisfaction in knowing not all of this is your fault, but
I am your daughter who has no one else to blame because you
choose to let it happen. Take that responsibility and own
it, know that it is partly your fault, and actually care. I
say I don't want anyone to know what this feels like,
nobody but you, but I believe that if it all came down to
it, I wouldn't hand it over to you, I wouldn't want to be
the same as you. I hate hearing that I look like you when
you were younger, because that proves to me I should never
have kids because I'll fuck their lives up like you did
mine. I've endured so many things from you that I should
just end it all, I should run away, but I always run back
to this place because there are so many things I cannot
leave. You have kept me in this little girl body whose mind
overpowers her every thought and action and telling her she
is too weak and too insecure to take anymore. But I know I
could break out of it, but you won't let me. You have every
power stored within me to keep me where you want me. Your
victim. You have me right where you need me to feel like
you have everything. Take that responsibility I've tried to
give you so many times, and you will have everything.
You'll have all my anger, depression, resentment... you'll
have the person you've made me. You will have everything,
and people can look at you and say you're perfect...but not
me. I'm too bitter towards you now to help you feel anymore
greatness than you already feel, but I won't stop others
from helping you. I have to respect everyone, even you
because you've made me the weakling and the hurt child I am
now, but that doesn't mean I have to love you, or keep you
from hurting. And until you realize all you've done for me,
or how little you've done, I will endure. But when you
stand the fuck up and take responsibility for all you have
done...then, you will endure, and I will be free. But if
this never happens, you will remain living, and I dead. And
whether you owe this to me or not, I wish you could endure,
I wish this could kill you, and I wish I could run away.

((I wrote that too.))

ByeBye.




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