2003-07-02 04:08:06 (UTC)

wake up - i must have been dreaming..

my god, you must have been scheming
your whole life to have hurt me this bad..

he's got me questioning myself now.

so yeah. she called him. and yeah he lied about it. so
thats what ive been focused on for 2 days.

but you know what. what if he said "hey have you talked to
ashley lately." what would i say. i know damn well what i
would say. i would say what he wants to hear without
skipping a beat. i would say "no of course not." so what
am i upset about?

well because if he said "if you NEVER talk to any other
person for the rest of our lives, i wont either" and i
knew he meant it. we'd have a deal. not a very healthy
deal or the kind of deal two peopel should have to make.
but i would do it.

so if he thinks i dont talk to anyone... but he probably
doesnt trust me anymore than i trust him. and why should
he? we are untrustworthy. its not just him. like its
just now occuring to me. its both of us. we are both
liars. we are both selfish liars. and whats the
difference. i want to sit and talk about it for hours on
end. and he doesnt. so i scream you dont care you dont
care. but how much do i care. i really dont give half a
shit if she called him. and i didnt even flinch when he
lied to my face about it. so what am i causing a problem
for when i would do the exact same thing. was there a time
when i wouldnt do the exact same thing?
"i never know what to do about you two. normal rules dont
apply." nicely put.
im cutting way too much again. one of these days its guna
be over.