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2003-07-01 20:18:33 (UTC)


The music is playing - you know, the tick tock of that
little music-box melody that haunts my mind for days when
ever I see that game show - the one in the final-jeopardy

I've been pretty miserable lately. Essentially a complete
self-loather that found all the ammunition I needed for that
and self-pity (bad combination) in Crohns disease. So what
has changed?

Well, I almost lost everything I care about because I've
been too blind to see that my best attempts at keeping these
feelings contained backfired in the worstr possible way.
Basically, because a certain someone cared so much about me
my behaviour, both to myself and how that affected the
behaviour I had toward her and everyone else, was felt
deeply by her and I was too self absorbed to realize it. I
knew I took things out on myself, but I didn't see that
doing so hurt her - I didn't see that she knew I was doing
this to myself - I didn't see how most of the fights we had
were ultimately about this - until a few days ago. Once my
mind had a second to consider her a memory something snapped
- a gate burst open - clarity came to my mind for the first
time in a long time - and strength of will and hope returned.

I was back. The long slumber of my spirit inside the coffin
that was my resentful body was over. But now the clock is
ticking while I wait to see if this victory was in time, or
to see if I am too late.

It might be too late. I feel like Misty is leaving me and
just figuring out exactly how it will go down. It is not
her fault. I brought this on myself from the last year of
self decay hurting her. But I feel like it would be very
tragic to lose the war just when I finally won the main
battle. I am ready to be who she deserves, but she may only
see the old depressed me when her eyes fix on me now. I am
not sure. She said she loved me and kissed me yesterday and
I thought that it meant that her love for me still resided
in her heart - but today she went to say I love you when she
was saying good bye, but instead cut herself off as if to
make a deliberate point of not saying it. It felt like she
was about to say something familiar to her but realized it
was no longer true and stopped it on purpose so I wouldn't
get the wrong idea - so I won't get the wrong idea I guess.

So I look great, smell great, feel great, am active again,
and am excited about a lot of things in other spheres of my
life - which is good since I am technically on the market
again. But the clock is ticking. I don't want to be on the
market again - but it is a matter of time until Misty makes
up her mind. Do I still have a family or not?

The job hunting plans are progressing well, and I am feeling
more optomistic about the whole thing now then ever. I ran
into some old friends last night after I got into the city.
I got in around 7pm, but went to the studio to check things
out there first. I ran into an old friend, Gia, on the way
there. I haven't seen her in three years. I guess she just
moved back from Ontario, but she was living all around for a
bit across Canada, and spent half a year in Sri-Lanka.
Pierre was there so we jammed for a bit and then jammed in
another room with Kyle and Rocky for a bit. Gia came by
while we jammed in room 23 for a bit. One of the owners,
Matt, was wasted and closed at 11pm - an hour early. So we
left and ran into Gia again on the way home, so we ended up
hanging out at another old friends for a minute, Dan's.
Then I ran into more old friends, Alana, Matt, Gary, Louis,
and Grace. I just met Louis and Grace though. The rest I
knew from hanging out at Tobin's in 2000. I met Gia through
Jade at one of the many grand openings for Tobins place, and
I met the rest through Gia afterwards. Then everyone moved
away to different places - and as it turns out, everyones
back now.

So today is Canada Day. I am keeping busy. Got the car
open, got my phone (Misty's cell) back, got the mail, ate,
went for a swim, got a shower, and in an hour Chris, Pierre
and I jam. The phone should be charged afterwards and ready
to go again. The mail is ready to go and tomorrow morning I
start my job hunting and take care of some things at Social
Services. I'm trying to keep occupied and optomistic until
I hear a verdict from Misty. It is easier to do so hear
right now though because her friends, probably rightly,
think I'm scum down in the valley right now. They even
compared me to Mike, even though I never cheated on her or
abandoned her and her (and his own) child, or ever
threatened her life like he did. So I still think he is
dogshit - but I've been pretty crappy the last months so I
can't really say anything I guess. I'll take whatever
punishment is coming to me now that I'm better. But knowing
they see me as an equivalent to Mike made me feel very
uncomfortable down there. But I did fix her moms computer
up and assemble some chairs and move a TV for them - and I
did get to do about 20 hours of hitch-hiking to get there
and back oveall - its been a long time since I have done
that and it was spiritually rewarding on its own, but a pain
in the ass at times too.

Anyway, got to go, got plans to make, and plans to finish,
and a Dr appointment on the 3rd. I'm making a point of not
complaining about anything house or health related for at
least 31 days, and for the same period be up and showered by
7am and getting on the job hunt by 9am at the latest every
weekday. I got to make sure there was no unfinished
business or unresolved bad feelings between Misty's mom and
I, and I asked a few people about Accutane in relation to
Crohns patients they knew or were related to. I still
haven't talked to my blood family at all yet though, and I
don't know if I will ever have one to come home to again
yet. But I've been in tough spots before. Time to learn
from past mistakes. I should be a fucking saint-like genius
if I could actually learn all that ther is to learn from my
past mistakes, but let's just see if I can be good enough
by trying my hardest instead of fretting over it like my
perfectionest side would want to.