Tommygirl6788

Life is but a dream...
2003-07-01 15:18:30 (UTC)

StRuGgLiNg To DeCiDe

I'm confused........
I need to know what to do.
I'm spinning in circles and I know I got myself into this
shit. Now I have to get myself out. I just don't know
how.....
Before John and before Tom, I was never a one-man woman. I
had fun everywhere I went with whoever I was with. I
didn't worry about the "loyalty, being faithful" malarky
that comes with the territory of having a boyfriend. Those
were the easy days. Now, I think because of the constant
spree of gettin fucked up as often as I can kind of
distorted my perception on guys and relationships. Now,
since I'm with Tom, I've been a very clingy girlfriend but
I'm not exactly the most loyal of girlfriends. I'm not
proud of that, but it's just the way things worked out.
What I can't decide is how I feel about the guys in my life
now. So far, there's Tom, John, Joe, Eric, and Dave. Tom
is my boyfriend. John is my ex-boyfriend of 2 1/2 years.
Joe is my 11 year crush and next door neighbor. Eric was a
one night fling at a party that I accidentally got attached
to. Dave is a guy in prison who just lost his girlfriend
of 8 months and is reaching out to anyone who will help
him. I live a fucked up life.
To start off with Tom....no, better yet, start off with
John. He's where all this started. I dated John for 2 1/2
years of my life and it goes without saying that he was the
love of my life. He has no idea how much he meant to me
when we were together. But that was all lost when he broke
up with me because I started talking to Tom Wilkinson (my
boyfriend now) and became friends with him. I never had
the intention of hooking up with Tom, but when John found a
note that my friend Amanda wrote to me that said "I'm glad
that things between you and Tom are going so well", John
jumped to conclusions and broke up with me. He put our 2
1/2 years to shame because of a stupid little piece of
paper. It really put things in perspective for me, and I
realized how much I really love him. But then came Tom.
When John left me, I was overcome with sadness, anger, and
jealousy that I had no one, that I immediately jumped into
a relationship with Tommy and now, I think I'm starting to
regret it. See, me and Tommy have only been hangin out for
almost 4 months now, and already he's driving me up the
wall. Yet, I insist on tolerating this madness of
insecurity and constant bitching. I know I don't HAVE to
tolerate anything, but my problem is I get attached to
people way too quickly and then, I just can't walk away
from anyone. See, Tommy hated that I went out with my
friends and got drunk and high with my friends and partied
all the time, so he bitched at me about it thinking that
would make it stop, but it didn't. All it did was make me
start to have to sneak around about the parties that I was
going to instead of being straightforward and honest. I
hate lying, but no one gets in between me and my parties.
I love partying with my friends, gettin messed up, and
having fun way too much to stop because some abercrombie-
wearin, cocky attitude sportin, bitchin prissy boy, AKA my
boyfriend, tells me that "he doesn't like it".
HAHAHAHAHA!!!! If he thinks that just because he bitched at
me about it, that I'm gonna up and stop partyin without
him, he is SADLY mistaken!!! I just can't tell him
everything anymore. I thought I could but I suppose since
he insists on talking about EVERY aspect of our personal
life with his best friend Phil, (who in turn tells it back
to me and makes me realize this fact), I really can't tell
him anything that I don't want Phildo to know, too. (We
call him Phildo, the human Dildo). HEHE because he thinks
he's a bigger pimp than he really is. But hey that's all
good. My confusion is that I don't know if being in this
relationship is what I really want. Since he's leaving for
a week, I'll have time to decide what I want to do.

Until next time,

~ Life Love Eternity ~

~!* Aims *!~~




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