Montana bound
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2003-06-30 09:43:18 (UTC)

Which way is up

Well, I can say with relative certainty that Jessica's not
mad at me. At least not anymore. I called her today and
spoke with her about it. I really do feel horrible about
it. I did the one thing I promised her I'd never do. I
let her down. I betrayed all the trust she had placed in
me; made a mockery of our friendship. Thankfully, she had
the grace to forgive me. If she's still upset, she's
hiding it very well.

I finally spoke with Allison today. For a little while,
anyway. I called her after I got home from Andy's house.
She had just gotten back from Delta. Apparently, her Mom,
sister and dog were involved in a rather messy accident.
Someone turned in front of the minivan going down Main St.
and it fairly well beat the shit out of everyone
involved. I'm not entirely sure about this, Allison
didn't go into any great detail, but as near as I could
tell, her Mom was thrashed and cut up by the airbag, her
sister was thrown from the vehicle into a telephone pole,
and her dog, while relatively unharmed, was scared so
badly it ran all the way back to her house. I feel awful
for all of them, I hope they get better. I have no idea
what Allison's feelings on the matter are. She definitely
wasn't happy about it, but she didn't seem to want to
dwell on it, either. As for the van, it's all but
fucked. Allison told me she hopes it's totalled so they
can get rid of it for a smaller and better car. That was
the purpose for her trip to Delta, they're borrowing her
Grandparents' cadillac until they can get another car of
their own.

As for my own pursuits, I don't know what the hell's going
on anymore. I care for Jessica, even enough to go to a
religious activity with her, or at least try to. I
suppose that's not really a problem, but she wants me to
hang out with her every once in a while and just be kind
of a fallback plan. That really doesn't make me feel all
that great, and I can't just put my feelings on the shelf
like that. Sure, I love the time we spend together,
especially when we get to fooling around, but when it's
over she expects me to just move on like nothing ever
happened, almost like a one night stand. I can't do
that. My feelings for her are too strong, she means too
much to me to just casually pass her off as some
unimportant play thing. I know these feelings are only
going to hurt me in the end. Though I believe I deserve
one, she has no intention of giving a relationship with me
another chance. She's made that quite clear on numerous
occasions, and it hurts just as bad every time I hear it.

I'm equally as lost with Allison. I really need to speak
with her and tell her of my feelings. I've finally come
up with the conviction (Creator knows where from) to just
out and tell her, and I've got to release that before it
dies. I only hope I can catch her away from work
sometime. If she shares my feelings, I'll be the happiest
man alive. If she doesn't, I don't know what I'll do.
I'm sure depression will set in, and I'm equally sure I'll
cry and curse myself for being an idiot and opening myself
up once again when I knew I'd only get shot down, just
like every other time I've taken the risk and let down my
guard. There's a reason people like me don't socialize
well and don't open up easily to others. I don't know if
it's because our expectations of everyone else are too
high, or if we convince ourselves the world is not as bad
as it really is, or if it's a combination of factors. I
just know that, come counting time, I'll have far more
burns to recollect than caresses.