ramblings of a madwoman
2003-06-29 23:27:07 (UTC)


*grumble grumble* seems to be down at the moment, so I’m writing
a journal entry in Word right now. I know I’ve neglected to
write lately, however, I’ve been pretty damn busy. I’d like
to take this time to give a warning that my entry today is
a rant. Though I don’t mean to pinpoint people, I’m sure
human nature being as self-centric as it is, some people
may take personal offense to what I’m saying. Don’t. Don’t
write to me or phone me saying that you’re pissed off at me
because I was talking about you. I probably wasn’t.

On with the show.

I’m annoyed, hurt and angry. I feel left right the fuck out
and only people who aren’t involved seem to care at all.
I’ve drifted away from several friends I once thought were
very close, but have chosen to forget about me recently.
I’m not sure why, as I’ve always been available and rarin’
to do pretty much anything. However, I’m no longer
important to them. Though I have other friends, I’m left
sore and confused by this. I feel ignored.

However, I’m not willing to go the route of others that
crave attention and relief from their sufferings. While I
understand that some people are legitimately depressed or
unhappy, I’ve been there too.

I’ve been fat, hell, I’m still fairly big now but I’m not
going to become bulimic or anorexic because of it. Society
can blame the media, but really, an individual can step out
of their situation and say “Hey, I really don’t like my
body shape, but maybe I shouldn’t stick my fingers down my
throat to puke my guts out…” It’s all so easy. Should I be
discounted because I’m not about to die from rotting out my
esophagus or from exercising for five hours in sweltering

I’ve been depressed, stressed, angry, melancholy,
desperate… But I’ve never tried to kill myself. Does this
mean that I don’t deserve attention because there’s no
immediate threat from me to my own life?

I’ve never resorted to self-mutilation, either. The few
scars on my body are accidental, not intentional. If you
hurt inside and hurting yourself outside makes the pain
inside dull, I’ve a suggestion, aside from getting a
counselor. There’s something else that you can do to your
body to make yourself feel better—Masturbate! No telling
scars, and I’m sure the endorphin high is better after.

I’m not addicted to drugs, I’m not abused, I
don’t “volunteer prostitute” myself.

Am I too normal and without ‘issue’ to warrant complete
lack of consideration? Does it take huge self-hurt
demonstrations to cause concern?

I just want people who are supposed to be my friends to
include me. If I’ve done something for someone at any time,
an invitation out or anything like that is repayment
enough, not that I require repayment for the things I do
for people (just don’t fucking use me. I’m not standing for
that anymore).

Just call me, see me, hug me, love me, because I’m not
about to swallow bleach for someone’s pity. I don’t want
pity. As I’ve said, just consideration.

**footnote** I am –not- saying that I am better than people
who have legit psychological problems like I’ve described,
just that I’m not worse than they are because I lack a
carte blanche of diagnosis. Basically—we’re all desperate
for attention, I’m just obviously asking for it here.
Pathetically, yes, but there you go.

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