caulfield

Exit from Reality
2003-06-29 21:08:11 (UTC)

pepsi-1 up in here

saturday trav, shannon and myself headed over to garrett
and matt's graduation party for free food and good times.
actually it was quite boring, and i just sat in my chair
ignoring conversations around me, while eating m&m's.
stevie showed up and we started talking...i took him on a
walk, no kisses this time, haha. anyways his 10 year old
brother was supervising, like that would really stop us. i
let him have some of my vodka, i don't know why, but yeah.
i sort of explained that stefan and i like each other, and
he was shocked to say the least...although i really don't
know why.

stefan showed up, and for a moment i forgot about all the
eyes watching us, and i seriously like jumped on the kid
giving him this huge ass hug while he picked me up.
honestly, its probably the most real contact ive ever had
with him, and i liked it :)we all played basketball. wait,
let me rephrase that: the boys and i played basketball,
while the girls watched and glared at me. yes, i do in fact
feel like a boy. i ball with them, sweat, play football
with henry...seriously throwing spirals and running
patterns, i quote movies that girls have no idea even
existed, what the hell is wrong with me? when a guy
says "sounds like a case of the moooondays" or "welp c ya
later" im like, "ohhh office space, dumb and dumber" and
ill quote something back like, "we landed on the moon!" and
we'll sit there and laugh, while girls look at me like im a
forbidden creature, or more accurate a guy in a girls body.
this makes me pissed, and uncomfortable around most girls,
which therefore proves me not getting along with girls as
an issue. lets just not go there anymore, at least for
today.

it seemed like everyone somehow figured out about the
exclusive "painting" party, which was our excuse to go over
to clints, so we decided to pull a lil trickery. we called
it off, announced that there was no party, and went to a
movie with everyone, but instead of leaving to go home, the
originals went over to shannons since her mom wasn't home.
so after charlies angels, trav, shannon, clint, and i went
to shannons. yep, thats right, no stefan, because of course
his parents were being gay and wouldn't let him come over.
why do these things happen to me? uh.

we got there, and i started slamming shots, and i don't
even like taking shots. vodka was going down, along with
some rum, and beer. this is the night as i remember it: i
started crawling around, got depressed since i realized i
have no one, started crying, hid in shannons parents closet
with the lights off while calling lindsay leaving scary
messages on her phone, and yes at that point i was still
crying.i hear clint screaming over and over again, "jodi?!?
jodi?!? come back down! this is supposed to be fun. i love
you. come on jode, i love you." oh clint...thanks for
caring, i love ya too. so they found me, and clint comes
into the room with a guitar (which he doesnt know how to
play) while singing, "i fucking need you now forever" from
old school, while trav laughs hysterically. then trav looks
at me and says, "just drink some more, it will only make
you feel better" while shannon touches him. i started laugh-
crying, and was like "alright, give me another shot." so
then i drank more, called stefan while explaining to him
how much i like him, how i want to kiss him, how im pissed
we can never be alone, and all that jazz. oh and i
mentioned how i thought erin was so much more gorgeous than
me, and the kid laughed and said, "she's not even
comparable to you."-god that's hot. anyways, we talked for
an hour, then i let him go.

what did i do? i then called stevie and talked to him for 3
hours about us, and maybe its cuz i was drunk, or maybe i
really wanted to, but i told him i still loved him. i could
ramble on about all that was said, but i don't really feel
like it. after we got done talking, i crashed in ginas bed,
since she wasn't there. i woke up at 11 in just my bra and
pj shorts...with all blankets on the floor. i then went
around taking pictures of: clint sleeping on the couch, the
dog sleeping on the cold tile, shannon sleeping on the pull
out sofa, travis sleeping in nannos bed, and finally me in
bed. we went home, and ive been trying to recover from my
hangover ever since.

don't ask me why im publicizing this email, but i am...

Dude you can't keep doing this to me! Telling me that you
love me, I can't handle this shit anymore. I've talked
things over with Erika and I think I'm cool to be alone
again for another 2 years. I'm still just a kid, fucking
around, working, playin the game. I can't deal with anymore
emotional sketches than my life already presents. I
definitely cannot take seeing you and then getting messages
from you that entirely fuck with me. The stuff you say
fucks me up Jodi, I'm still not over you, do you
understand? I'm not fucking over you yet until I die,
change, go in a coma, or find some chick that showed her
love for me like you did. Always touching me and fretting
over every little detail of my body. What the fuck?! Who or
what can compete with what we had? The answer: NO ONE! This
is driving me insane, I should have time to analyze this
shit but for some reason it's always in the back of my
head. I will have to be alone, nothing will ever be as good
as it was when im not with you, but as of now i cant keep
hurting people. BUT i still love you, that shit wont go
away, and we both know it.

stevie

ill end with that, because i have nothing more to say.

music: BT

hotties
-stefan
-stevie
-jeremy
-shamus in charlies angeles (irish kid)




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