2003-06-29 01:38:01 (UTC)


was just out to eat with my parents and brothers and my
little brothers friends... on a saturday night which always
makes me feel like a loser... maya went whitewater
rafting... julie to albany for her cousins graduation, rita
and irene went to the bahamas... iris is not calling me
back... kevin was busy with the cable guy when he called
earlier... anyway. i was reading the newspaper at the
restaurant. article about Dali, this new exhibit at the
Queens Museum. saying something about him revealing a new
world , one of dreams, to people stuck in reality, and i
wondered how does one live in that kinda imagintitive world
and not get lost. i feel like im getting lost. in all sorts
of ways.
i had a dream last night, very detailed, that chris was
friends with julie and ian and chris was always with this
girl. she was japanese, little. i kept running into them and
finally had another similar confrontation with him and her.
i also was not wearing pants for much of the dream. turned
out he was also dating her. so three women at once. and she
started crying and latched onto me, and we hugged eachother
for the rest of the dream.
and i just woke up feeling so unbelievable lost, and i
couldnt get out of bed, i just layed there, with my eyes
closed for hours. i just didnt have the will. the desire,
the motivationi really just wanted to stay in bed forever.
and i know it was the dream. i dont want to be dreaming
about him. i havent, im haunted enough as it is, i need for
my sleep to have nothing to do with him.
there was a part of that book i was reading. this kid, his
friend's boyfriend was cheating on her incessantly the whole
time. and he hoped that the guy didnt tell her everything,
enough to make her not want to be with him, but not enough
to make her doubt everything. Everything about everything.
and thats how i feel. i doubt everything about everything. i
think i had that panic attack because of that feeling. the
feeling of what the fuck. how do you know anything. and the
last time i had one was kinda for the same reasons. when i
was taking all those classes. made me doubt all sides of
everything. and that is how you get lost. because you doubt
everything. and that is how i feel. lost and i dont believe
in anything. there has always been that part of me, but the
other part of me was bigger, the part where my faith and
hope and creativity lives. i cant believe i am letting him
turn me upside down. i dont know what to do. i dont know how
i am ever ever going to trust anyone ever again. i am so
scared i know you have to have faith in things and people in
order for anything to be real but can it really be that
faith in all things could dispaear so fast, because of one
person? i dont want that. and i know stuff like this will
always happen to me. i know everytime i fall in love
something will be taken away. oh god i feel sick again.