Woodsmoke

Montana bound
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2003-06-28 10:15:35 (UTC)

The ruination of my life

Well, today has been absolutely fucking WONDERFUL! I
managed to piss off nearly everyone I care about including
myself.

First in the lineup was my Mother. This afternoon, she
wanted me to clean out the Probe, and I wanted some sort of
payment for it. She gave me her price, and I of course
wanted at least a little higher. She then pointed out that
she shouldn't have to pay me at all because they're
allowing me to live here. I replied that it's her lawn and
car, not mine, and it's through no choice of my own that I
still live here. I reminded her that I'm looking to get
out of here ASAP. She then told me to trim the stairs for
a chore, and I reminded her that our weed whacker is
broken, and has been for a few weeks. I pointed out that
we need a new one. She replied that we have no money for
one and I should just fix it. The problem being, I have no
idea how. It's not a mechanical problem, it's something
wrong with the wiring, and I'm not an electrician by
anyone's standards. So we got to simply arguing, and
eventually I went outside to vacuum the car simply because
I was tired of it.

My Mom is pissed.

Jessica called me tonight, telling me her Granndma had
invited her to a singles' ward activity thing, and she was
the only one our age going, so she invited me. Against my
better judgment, I consented. I hated it from the moment
we arrived. There's a reason I've so studiously avoided
any houses of worship since leaving the church, and I was
tonight reminded what that reason is. Everywhere I looked,
I saw pictures of the "Christ," or other such religious
garbage. The activity itself was in a setting which would
have made me uncomfortable even if I weren't anti-
religious. She and I were the only two people there under
the age of 60 and not married. It was supposed to be a
singles' ward activity, but no singles showed up, save us
alone. I tried to stick it out, God knows I wanted to help
her, but I just couldn't do it. Everywhere I looked,
everything I heard or saw, religion was being shoved in my
face, and it was just too much. Eventually, Jessica
suggested that she just take me home. I'd been unhappy
since arriving there, and my staying was only bringing us
both down. I was disappointed in myself that I was
ditching on her, and though she tried to tell me it was
alright, she was disappointed, as well. After she dropped
me off, she flipped a bitch and sped off, almost making her
tires squeal.

Jessica is pissed.

When I came in the house, I was understandably in a bad
mood. When my Mom asked about it, I tried to avoid it. I
told her I'd left early then went downstairs. I came
upstairs again shortly thereafter to make some food, and
while I was there she asked if I had at least been able to
spare Jessica's feelings. I snapped at her that I hadn't,
then apologized, telling her that was the reason I'm in a
bad mood. She then asked if I'm going to the Father and
Sons' outing with the ward that night, and I replied that I
want to stay away from anything and everything of religious
association. Then the Old Man got all huffy, asking self
righteously what religion had ever done to me. I
controlled myself enough not to say anything, because it
wouldn't have done any good, but God knows I thought some
things. What has religion ever done to me? Where should I
begin? It's nearly ruined my life, it's destroyed my
friendships, it's presented me with false hopes and
restricting mindsets, it's left my family life in shambles,
it's denied me the opportunity of happiness in any
relationships.... The more appropriate question is what
has religion ever done FOR me?

My Dad is pissed.

I then went outside, intent on getting away for at least a
little while. I walked down the block a ways, then pulled
out my phone and called Allison. She was in Grantsville
with no way out here. I wanted to hang out with her, I
wanted to speak with her and find out once and for all if I
can place any hope in my feelings for her, but I didn't.
After talking about nothing important for a few minutes, I
simply told her to give me a call if she's free, then hung
up. I then proceeded to swear profusely at my own lack of
confidence.

I am pissed.

On my way home, I got to thinking. My situation is very
similar to a messy divorce. In my case, her name is
religion. Every time I see her, I have the urge to fight,
to start an argument and give myself an excuse to show
forth my ugly side. Every time I hear about her, I get
extremely edgy, ready to go off on how evil she is at the
slightest provocation. We're no good for each other. The
mere mention of religion nearly drives me insane, and
anyone who believes in any of the organized faiths has
problems with my cynicism and anti-religious tendencies. I
have no idea if he even truly exists; wether he's the one
supreme power, or one of many who rule the universe and
have been created by the beliefs of men, or if there's
simply no omniscient power out there. As vast as it is, I
don't deem it possible that humanity is alone in the
universe, however I don't know about some metaphysical,
transcended being who watches over all. However, the
revelation stuck with me, that nearly every major problem
I've had in my life has arisen as a result of religion.
And so, I started lecturing God.
"I don't know if you're the supreme power, if you're among
a whole host of other deities, or if you simply don't
exist, and frankly, I don't care! I'm sick of you meddling
with my life. I'm sick of your missionaries calling my
house and asking if I'll accompany them to bother others
about their religion like they do me. I'm sick of your
priests and clergymen being concerned for my 'salvation.'
I'm sick of my parents dragging me every night to pray to a
being who, for all I know, is nothing more than a
fictitious chacacter; the greatest hoax humanity ever
played on itself. Put bluntly, I'm sick of YOU, and all
the problems you so routinely cause for me. I'm so often
told how much you love me, and how you sent your own son to
die for me. I don't believe that shit. There may have
been a Jesus, but there never was a 'Christ.' If you love
me so much, how about YOU listen to ME for a change. Get
the hell out of my life! I don't need you! My life has
been immeasurably better since I gave you up! I've got a
new style of worship now. I've taken up a trinity of my
own devising, joining the hosts of others who have come to
realize how worthless you really are. My gods are Science,
Logic, and Reason. Their mandates leave little room for
such a flimsy concept as you are. You are old news to me,
little more than the memory of an imaginary friend. Get
out of my life, and never come back!"

Hopefully, God is pissed.


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