Claudia

once again
2003-06-28 08:52:38 (UTC)

old dawgs...remain the same

Shawn calls me everyday now that I have my cell phone
turned back on. He's misses me and never should of let me
leave him a year ago...blah blah blah.

That's the same shit he told me last time and it didn't
help me in the healing process of getting over him when I
had to live with him for 2 months because Eric ruined
everything I had. It's just drew me right back into him.
And now he talks about how he takescare of everything at
his dad's place and wanting to save $ to come see me and
what not. What do I believe...

I feel like same shit different day and then I feel like
what if leaving him was a mistake? But where was I going
with my life there? Hoping that my old managers would make
me a manager...but living off of meer pennies till then
with nothing to show for all my hard work...or living here
and making enough to support myself just enough to save for
what I need. As much as I hate to admit it...there's more
here then in Florida.

Florida is where I could party all the time and have fun
with my friends, and while I am gradually making progress
at this place with friends I am still so lonely and I go
for the first guy that says hi to hang out with cuz I'm so
lonely. I just don't know. He's so confusing and I think
he misses what we had 4 years ago, not what we were when we
were together. I don't miss the fighting and the silence
and the I hate you's and I wish the never would have
happeneds.

I know in my mind I need to get over him but every time he
says I love you and he always says it first I refuse to say
it, I melt all over again and that's the last thing I need
to do. Right now I'm at the point where he's done so much
to hurt me that I don't know how to forget that and move
on. It hurts being away from him but then it's good to be
away so I can heal...but not when every conversation is how
he really wishes he could still fall alseep with me in his
arms...is he just lonely, does he mean it? I don't have
the answers and sometimes I just want to say don't talk to
me ever again but then I imagine life without knowing him
and anymore and it makes me sad cuz we had so much.

May be that's the key word...HAD. What do we have
now...phone calls and hopes. Nothing to stabalize my
life. I hate being here but then I like beig here... I
don't know where my life is going and I don't know how to
start it and I don't know how to control it and honestly I
really don't know much about my self.

AND THAT SCARES ME.