Euphoric Nothingness
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2003-06-28 08:31:14 (UTC)


Hey hey hey!!! I'm back after a long layoff. I hope that
someone at least missed my writings. Oh well, if they did
they did and if not, well whatever.

So the past week and a half has been interesting to say
the least. I guess a lot of little things happened but
didn't really add up to much. So here we go.

I guess I'll start off with Nicole. I really don't know
what to think about this whole mess. I have my theories
about why she started to date another guy but I am still
baffled at the whole thing. Why wouldn't she want to date
me? I mean we got chemistry, we mesh, we look good
together, and we're different enough that we can learn a
lot from each other but not so different that we would not
be able to share interests. What Nicole and I have is
unique and awesome. We get along so well and always enjoy
each other's company. I mean I know I'm not the best
looking person ever but I'm close. I just don't know.
The "physical chemistry" thing just doesn't buy it for me.

I believe Nicole is hesitant to date me for one simple
reason: image. I'm not saying that she has an image
problem or image ego or anything like that, but she is
very self-conscious of herself and how people see her.
She sees herself as an upper middle class girl and she
should find someone from her social and economic class. I
think those types of guys are the only types she's ever
dated. She sees herself with an upper middle class or
lower upper class guy who's clean cut and superficial. I
think she sees herself as somewhat trendy and tries to act
that way by dressing that way and listening to whatever is
popular. She doesn't see herself with a guy who's gonna
take risks or who is afraid of not being considered normal.

Well, to state simply, I am not that person. I come from
a single parent lower to lower middle class family. I am
motivated, passionate, and want to make it in this world
my way and by my rules. I am definitely not seen in black
or white, but a "perfect shade of gray". I am willing
to "risk it all" if I have to. I don't think "normally",
but then again, I'm not "normal". I feel as if I am
extraordinary and it is my destiny to be someone
significant and make an impact and contribution in this
world. I feel as if I have all the tools and I just need
oppurtunity. I am seemingly possessed with making it in
this world and I will do what it takes to fulfill my
destiny. I listen to the music that I do beacuse I feel
like I can relate to it and I am inspired by it, not
because it's what Corporate America wants us to listen
to. I know I am definitely a person with drive, and
equally if not more importantly, substance.

Basically put, I think if Nicole stepped out into the
world some more, she would learn a whole lot about herself
and the people around her. I will give her credit for
already doing that by taking a job even though she doesn't
need it. She has been sheltered and her perspective on
the world in not neccesarily wrong, but rather
incomplete. I really think that she tries to impress
others too much and that stiffles her growth as person.
This is not Nicole's fault, but she is a product of her

I see a hell of a lot of potential in Nicole. I don't
mean this in a "Nicole and Chris" sense, but rather Nicole
as a person. She has a chance to do a lot with herself,
but I am worried for her that she will sell herself short
by taking "the safe route". I think what me and Nicole
have had together over the past 3 months has been special
to each of us. We have learned so much from each other
and it has helped us make both of us more complete.

However, I just think that if we would've started to date
when the window was wide open for both us that we could
have had something incredible. The potential was there
for magic and sparks but all we got out of it is a dud.
Right now, if Nicole came to me with the idea of going
out, I would not be sure what I would say. Sometimes I
think I would say yes, sometimes I think I would say no.
I know I would have to do a lot of thinking about it. My
biggest fear is that we missed our chance and all that we
can say is "what could have been".

Just to address this issue before it comes up, this is NOT
a desperate attempt to get Nicole. This is only what has
been going through my mind for the past 2 weeks. Ever
since she told me she started to see someone else, I felt
crushed. I was definitely hurt and I still am. It hasn't
been easy to see her at the gym or talk to her on the
phone. But I shall persevere and overcome. No matter
what happens between me and Nicole, I will be ok as long
as she is still involved in my life somehow. She's a
great friend and someone that I trust and care for very

I think I am going to make a second entry for the rest of
the stuff tonight. What I have written here deserves to
stand alone and it's impact will be greatest felt by being
independent from the rest of tonight's writing.