Sherry

.... on Living and Loving
2003-06-26 05:41:22 (UTC)

Face to face....

I had my computer shut down… I thought I was done for the
evening….
But first, I have a few things I would like to say to you.
I’m not very good at keeping my feelings to myself,
especially when I have time to think about what I’m about
to say. Face to face is a different story. Often, I like
talking to you when you can’t talk back. That may not seem
fair because then you don’t have the option to interrupt.
Life lacks options. Sorry.

I don’t feel that we have resolved what was started before
I left for Florida.
I’m afraid I can’t rest tonight until I say a few things.
I’ve thought about it…all if it.
The past few days have given me time to sort things out …
my feelings, desires and yes, even my needs.

You see, no matter how hard I try, I can't stop thinking of
you, of what you mean to me. I can’t stop being in love
with you. I can't stop seeing you in my dreams, there we
are together, like we should be.

Maybe you think I’m selfish for not allowing you to
be ‘JUST’ a friend. Maybe I am. But do you have any idea
how much being with you even for a night means to me?

I'd give everything to have one night with you, one touch,
one kiss. You were taking that from me… ugh. I can’t handle
that! It makes me feel as though you’ve taken what we
could have had (and what we still do have) and tossed it
aside, not meaning to, but knowing that you would be better
off, maybe even saner…without. I, on the other hand, would
not be saner.

I left, Michael…and the day I moved out was a horrible day
for me. I felt it was the end and I wasn’t (and I am still
not) willing to let every last piece of us slip away.
I've thought about it, and as I walked away I knew I had no
choice, that it had been taken out of my hands. As for what
we have now…this too, I fear, will eventually be out of my
hands.

Hasn’t it always been that way? It has been out of my
hands since the moment I saw you and my heart became yours
to do with as you wished.

I didn't think that someone could ever have such a power
over me, never considered that I would be a willing
participant.

How did you do it?

How were you able to weave such a web of love around me? I
felt your love, I thought of it as something wonderful,
something safe.

I knew that you felt you couldn't be what I wanted, or
needed. I still, for some reason, felt safe.

I can see now how your actions took me away from a life I
never saw for myself in the first place. (So confusing!)
One I would now do anything to have with you, but it's too
late. Right? Is it ever to late?

As for our ‘relationship’ now, I need to feel the
connection between us, even if only for that brief time. I
love that connection. I need it…yes, I said it… I NEED IT.
Without you I lose it because it will never be shared with
another. NEVER. And that is my choice.

I will leave it up to you, as that seems to be the only
thing I can do now...
I wish I had the courage to do more... to feel less. I
would do anything in my power to make you happy. I really
would.

I love you… I love:

How your touch makes me feel...

How your concern for me, lifts my sprits up like nothing
else.

I love your love, yes, I still have your love... I know I
do.

You've given it freely, and for that I shall strive to be
the person I know you always perceive me to be.
The ‘friend’. I have always said ‘I’ll try’.

I can only hope that someday, in the future... I can be
less of a lover and a better friend, but not now. I just
can’t do it now. I don’t want to be only a ‘friend’ to
you. I want to be a friend, yes, but I can’t put aside my
feelings and still be ‘me’.

You are a wonderful part of ‘me’…
I am a better person in your presence.
Your love sustains me in the direst times.
I will always be yours, even if you don't want that to be
true.
My heart belongs to you and you alone.
I am yours.
I feel bad… because I feel as though to keep a little of my
sanity means that I must take a little of yours. I don’t
know why I can’t be less… I know that I can’t. I just
can’t.




Ad: