whoami?

Journey to Me
Ad 2:
Ezoic
2003-06-25 23:38:04 (UTC)

oh the joys of "friendship"

ok, little background on this story. maris lets jai stay at
here room at school with her for a couple weeks. jai uses
maris' computer to get on instant messanger. jai has
conversation with amamnda about how maris "isn't the
smartest person in the world" and how they "wish she would
fail", blah blah blah. maris then finds this saved
conversation on her computer by accident. confronts jai
about it and the following insues. Ok, this is to all of
you so you all know how i feel and there isn't
any "talking" or "emailing" behind my back. not that i
expect it to stop,
cause we all need to vent sometimes but in the same
respect...

the whole crap with "searching through my aim
conversations" is shit. YES,
YES, YES, i did say all those things that i am sure have
leaked out to the
general public, or some friends at pfeiffer that i have,
but at the same time
i know that things in the same manner have been said about
me as well. so
before everyone tries to act "holier than thou" maybe they
should think about
words that they have written and said out of disgust,
anger...whatever
emotion. i leave myself open for things to be said about
me, but i'm going to
be the adult here and confront the entire group.

maybe i said things that weren't nice, hell, i know they
weren't but rooting
through MY aim screen name is the same as reading my mail.
those were my
private thoughts discussed with amanda and i said those
things BEFORE maris
and i talked and discussed a few things, and i know that it
was shitty of me,
no excuses. i don't feel sorry or regret most of the things
that i said,
because in some sense, the majority is true.

here's the jest...hate me, don't hate me; i don't care
anymore. lighten up
with life, enjoy the small things, roll with the difficult.
learn to trust
people, moreover, trust in people. we all make mistakes, we
all say things
that we wish we never had, but maybe i'm just a little more
forgiving than
most...

this was a MAJOR violation of my privacy and trust! as
forgiving as i
am...right now i cannot. i'm highly pissed that this
happened...as much as
what i said was wrong, what was done was equally wrong. i'm
sorry that people
found out things that they didn't like.

i said those things...address it if you want...say fuck off
if you
want...each will be treated with the same respect...just
think about what you
may have said behind my back, cause we are all guilty of
it!!! apparently i
am a horrible friend for saying things and GETTING CAUGHT
because i vented to
a friend in honesty...again, a common thread. so, drag it
through the
mud...who really cares though?

-J

then comes this message from maris' boyfriend matt.

Well being that "person" Marissa dates i see it as a little
to late for
people to act like adults in this situation. I dont think
either that Marissa
was trying to find out shit people said about her. It
happened by mistake the
same way as if you used someones computer and found
personal porno or
something. oh no maybe i shouldnt include the porn refernce
cause my
intellegince my be questioned and i might be even stupider
then people
already think. Maris has a program that saves the
conversations in a seperate
folder, that she didnt even know what it was.

Before we get into this whole speech about talking in
private. i would like
to recall a situation where i thought i was talking to you
in private jamie.
i remember it as the night everyone came back from carolin
we were going to
get weed from marissas brother. the same competion fourm u
wanted marissa to
fail and a teach her a lesson from. if you thought that why
did u even go.
anyways i asked u what marissas problem was and asked why
she was acting like
such a bitch and we talked about other personal issues such
as families and
other things. but what happens someone ran behind my back
and told marissa
everything i had said after i had confided in you. wanted
your personal
opinion, you said marissa was prolly really dissapointed in
not placing and
so and so.

so before we talk about confiding in people and things
being personal lets
think about that.

also since now i am sure everyone has honed their
communication skills lets
talk about the slient treatment shutting of doors utter
disgusted looks the
huffing and the rolling of eyes.

now yes i do complain and bitch alot but i find it that
everyone is equal in
this department. but for some reason i am the only one who
gets pointed out.
but wait does anyone ever say anything to me no they run to
my girlfriend. i
use the term my girlfriend because over 90% of the time
thats all i was
considered by people. yes i might be someones bro for a
couple hours or two
but once they didnt feel like that was the route to act
towards my face
things changed. i was just a boyfriend. not the friend i
thought i was or
even close friend.

yeah hell yeah i was over alot. but i was over not to see
just marissa but to
see everyone. yeah u all studied alot and i didnt but i
think the majority of
time i was in marissas room alone with the door closed. i
guess my presence
must have caused some difficulties. i even remember comming
over at lets say
1030 -1230 so i wouldnt be infrining.

now with my presence being there and since everyone had a
so. yes jeff never
came over but i think that was his personal choice and he
didnt want to thats
why he wasnt there correct me if i am wrong lynz.

now jamie i am sure if chad was remotely close or went to
school at pfeiffer
he would be over the same amount of time i was. i dont
think anyone would
have said a word. but being who i am marissa and myself
were chastized.

so now lets address my bitching whinning at key west
jamie's vacation no one
elses. i am truly sorry you did not have a better time i
myself am bad
company. and ironically thats where i found out how you
really thought about
me. after of course u stayed at my house. that didnt seem
to bother you too
much but apparently me talking to my parents for the first
time was an issue
to u. i could give a flying rats fuck if u liked my family
or not. but u were
a guest and the eye rolling the huffin and just again the
total look of
disgust on your face was not called for. yeah so maybe u
had to go out of ur
way to come to baltimore. but key west was everyones
vacation. not just urs
and u know if ur tired of driving everywhere then open ur
damn mouth u seem
to do a pretty good job of it elsewhere. i am sure u could
have done it then
too.

also keep ur nose out of marissa and I's relationship. its
ours. i do not
need you meedling in it, u know and i suppose the question
on everyones mind
as to why she is still with me still isnt answered jamie
and amanda. but i
don not think thats should interest you.

sorry to pull lynz into this but for example it seems as if
ur feeling for
jeff are the same as they are for me. i know ur distaste
for him how u wanted
lynz to break up with him move on and he was bad for her.
well i agreed for
the most part and lynz knows how i feel about that. but i
feel as if its
marissas and lynz's decision as to why they stay with jeff
and myself
respectively. not yours.

yeah and as we sit here and critized everyone in no way are
u this adult u
claim to be. u sit and critized me lynz and marissa for not
having this so
called direction u claim to have. well why arent u going to
graduate school.
ok so that isnt the choice what happened to a job. san
fransico chicago new
york seattle back home all places u were going to move to
oh i forgot tampa a
good situation maybe since u would have had someone u cared
about and went ot
school. so yeah i dont have direction but i do have a
focus. hmm maybe that
doesnt make sense yeah i have found a job that i am
currently in the process
of applying for. it might not be the best but its a foot
into the federal
government working as an archivist. so whoopie do for me.

u say lets enjoy the lil things have fun bla bla but wait i
did that and what
was i. i was immature as i recall. yeah i am immature yeah
it annoys people
yeah but maybe did u ever think i annoyed u on purpose
cause i saw how u
acted towards me.

u say marissa is a an i first person how many times did u
complain cause no
one was there to be with u or lynz left for another weekend
or whatever else.
marissa did let u stay with her out of the kindness of her
heart. and you
know what i told her not to let u stay, because of what i
feel as if u dont
have all the attention you get pissed.

really the fact that all this is going on is shit. who
gives a fuck about the
pfeiffer commmunity i thought we had a community of really
close friends who
enjoyed each other and honestly loved one another as
friends. i was wrong.its
not true at all its a farce. o look i used a big word wow.

yeah lets see i dont get good grades and i dont apply
myself but i dont hate
people because they get better grades then me. i dont try
and i have no
right to complain or wish people ill grades failure or
whatever the hell else
there is. thats pretty pathetic. ur right u did say all of
this so u know
what u got to live with it. stop complaining cause marissa
who puts the time
in gets the grades she deserves also yeah maybe she cant
handle a bad grade
but she wont have to because she puts in all the time and
effort and earns
the grades she receives. anyone can see that.


no where does jesus teach or practice jealously, he does
practice forgiveness
but i dont. oh no i referenced jesus yeah i did cause i
studied him for 12
years. so maybe i do know some about religion and teachings
and such. but
yeah again i am just some person who makes marissa out to
be stupid for
dating me hahahah i put her under a majic spell. hahhahaha
this is all too
funny.

people we all sat and talked about how much we loved and
liked each other and
look what happens bullshit happens. maybe we all need to go
to hollywood
cause we all some fucking good actors. ya know i dont care.

jamie personally i dont ever want to see u again. i am
tired of this repeat
bullshit. u have said things about me that will never leave
me and i trusted
u so much and i cared about u so much. and i got fucked
maybe know everyone
understands my issues about having close friends. maris
lynz do u get it now?

anyways good luck in whatever u decide to do jamie. have
fun enjoy life the
little things and always always remember to forgive.....too
bad i dont forget
nor do i forgive bullshit like this. i did after spring
break i forgave and
forgot it bit me in the ass.

so dont let the door hit your ass on the way out. u are no
longer my friend.

"person"

followed by this from jai.

ok...noted.

then this from myself to maris, jamie, matt, and amanda.

for anyone who cares my grandfather is doing ok. lately
it's been "no better
no worse" from the doctors. kinda up and down here, but i
guess that is to be
expected. but thanks so much for your thoughts and prayers.
i hope you all
will continue them.

as for everything else, i hope that you all can put things
into perspective.
i've found that i don't have time in my life for all this
crap. it's just not
worth it to be negative and fight and hate. so i'm done
with that.

as for all the things that have been said, good for you
guys. if that's how
you all truly feel i think it should be said. maybe it
should have been said
a long time ago. i know that some of these feelings have
been floating around
for some time. so good for you.

i guess my biggest proble is that not quite so very long
ago it was said that
we should not keep things from eachother, that if we were
ever mad or upset
or aggrivated, whatever, we should just tell eachother,
confront that person
about whatever was bothering them so that they
could "become a better person"
by fixing whatever was wronge. i'm just wondering what
happened to that? what
happened to talkind with the person you have a problem with
instead of
talking behind their back. i honestly think that if this is
the way we all
feel about eachother, then why were we ever friends in the
first place.

where did all this jealously come from? why can't we all be
happy that we are
different and benefit from eachother's strengths? i think
it's very silly to
be upset that someone got better grades or that one got an
award that another
didn't. who wants to be all the same anyway? i'm very happy
for all of each
of your successes and i hope i can be a comfort in the
times of failure. i
would never wish any of you anything bad. if we call
ourselves friends i
would never think that any of you would wish bad things
upon me.

yes i do understand venting, i believe that is what i'm
doing now, but i
think that it had been taken incredibly too far. yes that
was a personal
conversation, no it wasn't meant for any one else to see or
know, but i'm
sure that maris didn't go looking for bad things that were
said about her on
her own computer. who would? i do understand the whole
personal thing, but at
the same time, you have to take responsibility for anything
that you say,
good bad and ugly. so i'm not really sure what that says
for any of us.

part of me is really sorry this ever happened. but then
again, if that is
what is really felt i guess it's good to have it known.
honestly i haven't
had time to really dwell on it, i've been in the hospital
since friday and
doesn't look like i'll be home anytimes soon, so yes i do
have better things
to worry about. but at the same time i AM worried about my
friends, but i am
NOT going to worry about what is to be said behind my back.
i don't have time
for that. so say what you will, it will be noted and then
dismissed.

i'm not here to point fingers, becuase i'm sure there is
plenty of blame to
go around. just hope this will make us all look at
ourselves and evaluate how
we live our lives and who we let into them.

i love you all and wish you the best.

always

Lyndsay

so this is part of the reason i went to florida in the
first place to get away from all this crap. if we are all
friends there wouldn't be this kind of talking behind
eachothers back. venting i completely understand, but all
this stuff has been said in such hurtful ways, doesn't seem
very friendly to me. but that's just my opinion. i'm not
sure i can be in all this. so i've said what i have to say
and i'm done with it. DONE.


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