2003-06-25 10:02:23 (UTC)

men in black and faith and love

just watched the sequal and laughed and laughed. mike made
hamburgers and hot dogs and french fries.

the sun is rising and i just had this thought that i must
like being depressed, on some level. it means i dont have to
do anything. i dont have to wake up or go to sleep or do any
work i can just drink and watch tv and think and cry.
im starting work again next week so i wont have those
options. and i know i dont want to feel this way.

a few times today i thought- get the fuck over it. so he was
cheating. so he didn't want you. so he fucked you a couple
times, cheating on her. you know hes fucked up, you know he
does care about you, chill out. be the understanding person
you are. don't take any of this personally/
and sometimes i feel that and i feel naturally much better
when i think like that but sometimes i get overwhelmed.
thinking about him spending one day with her, the next with
me. thinking about things i thought. things he said. things
we did. things i felt, that i thought he was feeling too. i
had this whole theory about faith. that love is a faith.
that you dont know what someone else is feeling or really
thinking. and it can be a hell of a world if you go around
thinking the only thing you can ever really know is
yourself. first you need empathy (ill never forget that
empathy converstion with him upstate. drinking wine. laying
on the couch. that whole weekend we had nothing but
eachother. no music, no TV no fire. i was so afraid to say
what i was thinking so afraid he'd think i was crazy and
when i did, he told me i was silly, 'for that? thats
nothing.' and it was nothing. it was the tip of the iceberg.
after that i couldnt wait to talk to him more. be able to
tell him more. but i never really could because i needed him
to give me all of him, and he wasn't. i thought it was just
the drinking, but it wasn't. he was giving half of himself
to someone else, who he later decided he had to get rid of
me. the whole time i thought i was paranoid, why is he
trying to get rid of me, and now i know i wasn't. so you see
how i would be confused. i really thought we had this
excellent understanding of eachother. i thought we had the
easiest communication. i thought we connected sexually
unbelievably well even though i have no refernce for that. i
thought that everything would only get better as time went
on. true, i didnt always think this. sometimes i was afraid,
and i was scared, afraid he would always be an alcoholic,
that he would always be depressed and i loved him, and it
hurt me to see him hurt himself. sometimes i was afraid that
he really meant that he didnt think i could be a wife or a
mother. he said that so much he made me really believe it
too, even though thats what i've always wanted. i was afraid
because he said once this was just puppy love. so why am i
so shocked. he had already told me he didnt think what we
had was real
so you see, i thought one thing, he thought another and let
me keep thinking what i thought and felt, even until now. i
know that no one has the same reality blah blah blah but
come on. you have faith that when that person is staring
into your eyes that they are feeling something like what you
are. you have a faith that even tho you know that nothing is
100%, this faith makes it feel like 100%. i am not
explaining this right.
but finding this stuff out. made me lose that faith. made me
doubt that faith. and that faith is something i very much
need to be me.

so ya know whats fucked up. whats more fucked up than
anything. all this time, all this time going by this time we
werent even dating, i still loved him. even though i only
saw him a handful of times. and even though ive just learned
he did some very fucked up things to me, i still love him.
even now. so at the same time i feel like i lost faith in my
love but i still feel the love and this is really the same
situation as ive always been in whenever in love.
its just me feeling it, in the end.
i think im just feeling sorry for myself again. i'll stop.