Steva's Life
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2003-06-23 22:56:26 (UTC)

A letter to my mother

This was a letter that i wrote to my mother because i
talked to her on the phone, and things came crashing down,
And in a way i wanted to apoligise and i always wanted her
to know my side of the story, because i had a meeting with
deborah today about dogs and what not, and she knew
somthing was wrong and so she go it out of me, And so this
was pretty much what i said while crying but more to my
self, the out in the open, i had tears coming out of my
eyes, but they werent really visual to another person but i
knew i was crying... because i just wish that my mother
would see the fact that i love and care for her, ebcause i
would give my life for her in a heart beat if she needed
somthing, i would stop what ever i was doing and fly to NH
to care for her, i would pay anything to save her or get to
be near her to care for her, i would sell everything i
owned to get to where she was and care for her. But yet it
seems that she doesent seem to want to care. But i guess
that in a way she is careing but its just not a visual Care,
I don't know i don't know what to say. I just want her to
know if she's reading this, that i love her alot and i will
love her with every ounce of my heart and will and will
care for her for the rest of my life till the day i die.

Keep reading for the letter


Well i'm sorry it all had to crash down like this, the
reasion i talked ot deborah, is because i really don't have
anyone whom i am as close to as you and i used to be, I
really think that we've Really gone down the path of Loss
of The friendship that we had. And that really upsets me,
if you would care to know how much i cryed for 3 hours to
deborah becuase i really don't know what to do, Since i've
lost the friendship that i had with you its hurt me each
day, the fact that we talk on the phone every day isint
anything, jane and i do, Jen and i do, jeff and i do, it
doesent mean anything the thing that actually Puts us in
the relationship of mother and son or best friends or what
ever you wnat to call us, is Actually being there for
eachother, and the fact that i'm blowing off 2 jobs to come
to NH for your Surgery really puts me in the spot that i
care about you.

And that i'm postponing everything in November/December to
make a point in my life to be there for you when you get
married... though i don't think its a good thing. but I
KNOW I DON"T HAVE A SAY! But you asked what i thought
about that, Well, I think its great, just great, What ever
makes you happy makes me happy, Though what you've done to
me isint that nice, You've put aside 2 days in the last 9-
10 month's for me, yet you see Dung 5-6 times a week?
that's not that nice, I don't care if he's in NH and i'm
here, when your here you should make a point to actually
sit down and hang out with me and then we can talk and keep
the closeness that we had so many month's or years ago.

Weather your listening still or not... i just want you to
know that i do care for you. and that i do want to stay in
your life, But of course that's your choice.

But the reasion i turned to deborah, is becuase you don't
want/care to listen.
And that leaves me in a Position to feel that i'm not cared
for, because i have no reasion to turn to jeff, i no longer
account him as a best friend the only friend that i
actually call a best friend at this point in time is Jane,
and jane alone. I wish i had you still... but you seem not
to want to have me in your life anymore. I just wish that
you'd see how much you mean to me. and how much i want you
in my life.

The fact that you have Don in your life, doesent put a
stopper on you seeing me, supposedly your supposed to be
spending more time here... you've been here 3 times in the
last 6 month's. That's not spending more time here. Unless
its some new form of it.? but i don't know.

I'm sorry for all this being said, i just think that it
needs to be said some time.

Like with me crying today, Deborah never saw the tears, But
she said that i really need to get help mentally.Like a
theropist. And When i brought it up to you.... you didn't
care one way or another. That hurt me, And i told her
that. And i just wish that i'd have the mother that i had

You've changed... I know you've changed and everyone else
agree's with me.

Beth was astonished, Deborah even noticed. Shirly and
Francine and liza and wally noticed.

You have changed from the sweet person that you were 10-12
month's ago... And i wish that you wouldn't change anymore.

If this will come across to you in anyway... deborah said
that i should tell you...
I was talking to Emily and she was very very close to Don's
Wife... she never liked don very much, Becuase he was Quite
Mean to his wife emily had no idea why she stayed with him,
He was never there for her, and i'm seeing this totally
different with you and him, and i don't know what to think,
becuase i'm going to belive what emily thinks becuase She
knew them for 15 years or what have you. And i don't want
to see that happen to you. Becuase i don't want to see you
hurt... does that show you that i care about you? that i
actually put a fucking stop in my life to care for you day
in and day out... to actually do a backround check on the
guy that your in love with? I Wish you'd see my point. I
didn't tell deborah that you and him were getting
married... but maybe you'd like to. becuase she's worried
about you. and she's very very worried about me, she
doesent know if i should be alone anymore... becuase she
can tell that i'm capable of killing my self and she thinks
i might sometime soon... she won't tell you that... becuase
she said it very lightly to me, and that's why she wants me
to get help And i think that i should so that i can stop
caring for someone who's not going to care for me... not
specifically you. Jeff and other people... Becuase i
should be able to move on from things, and i just can't.

I am very happy that i've gotten this far, this is a major
thing for me, becuase i'm not a strong person and if you'd
look deep enough you'd see that. And that's why i'm always
depressed and upset is becuase no one's there in my life. I
have no where to go... i will never make it in this world,
the only thing i'm worth is a door mat. that's why i took
on the kayden thing is because you told me to do somthing
so i'm doing somthing, I'm doing alot of stuff with them.
And if they become big then you'll look back and regret
alot of things.

I'm sorry this is all coming out wrong that's why i never
tell you these things because they come out better to other
people. and that's why i turned to deborah because i
thought i could trust her, I said alot to her, Becuase i
had no idea what else to do i had to get it all out.

If you care to read my diary your more then welcome to...
just Click or copy this:
And you can read it, this letter that i just wrote to you
will be in there... becuase its somthing i'm going to want
to look back on when life gets better... and think how much
i care about my mother. When i'm told that i don't i wnat
people to know that i do!

Well, If you care to know.

I love you with all of my heart, if i could cry for 2 weeks
while saying that i would.. i would do anything that would
possable be done for you in a heart beat if not sooner.
I just wish that there was some way that i could tell you
that i care for you... or show you... or show you how much
i love you. Well i do love and care for you, and i just
don't want to see you hurt again.

Well i suppose i'll talk to you later.

I love you with all of my heart and i always will for the
rest of our lives.

Love Always,

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