brkunsulofglss

would the world stop spinning
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Ezoic
2003-06-23 22:33:39 (UTC)

i don't know all the things you've seen,but i'm slipping in between.

i've been thinking about stuff alot lately, stuff i havn't
even been putting i here... where i'm going,what i'm
looking for,how i really feel about a few things.
today i was reminded of something said to me over the
weekend. i was asked how i'm able to go on like a am so
soon after being hurt... i was told i was a braver person
for doing so. well i guess i thought about it more than i
let anyone know...and i'm not really for sure myself how
i'm able to do it,i never thought id be able to honestly. i
had myself convinced that my life would stop without her.
it knocked the wind out of me for a while,and still stings
at times,but i really was over it alot sooner than i
thought i would be...maybe it's because i found someone i
feel safe with...for some reason i think i could lay it all
down on the line with her right now. i feel like i could
just live for once. it's not like me to feel this at all!
i'm finding it hard for some reason to express how i feel
with words lately.it's a different kind of fright i'm
feeling,i'm not scared of being hurt. i think i'm afraid of
hurting her...
i want out of this place,i want out of middletown,this
place is to much of what i was with aften...i came her for
her,to be close to her.well now i need my space form that,i
don't want to be near that idea anymore.
i need to be in a place that is me,for me..a place i can
start trying to live the life i'm finding. i'm learning so
much now that i've looked up from the ground...i'm learning
how to live for the moment,i find alot more passion in
things this way. now that i don't have aften in my life i
think i'll start doing better in school,i missed about a
weeks worth of classes thanks to her...i've spent to much
of me on her all together,everything from my good ol' time-
to my tears...none of which she could afford if i put a
price on it.
i think it's time i started to relize my own worth and what
my real potetial is...i know that i'm better than the
person i've spent most of my life being. i'm not looking
for much right now,a few new beginings and a few tie offs.
things can be better.........only as good as i let them be.
i've spent to much time letting people make me out to be
what they want me to be or what someone said i should have
been. now is when i can learn what everyone else in my life
means as well...most people will take me as i come,as i
change,as i get better and the rest didn't need to be part
of me anyway. usually people say they feel like they have
lost apar of themself when they loose someone they love,i
think i lose a relationship and gain a lot of understanding
of myself....i've stoping be so afraid of things. it's
life.. it's not ment to be understood or always go
perfect,that is the joy,knowing that you lived..through all
of it.
noting is for sure,things could get worse let...i could
lose it all...at least i can say i stood up and fought for
it best i could.
caela might decide that i'm not it at all,but at least i
got to get a good look into her while i could...and that is
what make it worth while for me. i don't think i am able to
tell her how i feel as well as i would like,not sure i can
even explain. my heart doesn't even race, it's so much more
than that...it's a feeling i can't even put my finger on.
more like falling with nothing to land on...scary and
blinding and happiness and nothing and everything. i don't
even know how to put it in words,but it's wonderful.
she's so attractive to me,mental,emotionally,physically...
and we communicate..imagine that one.


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