Eyes4Guys

Personal hell & back again
2003-06-21 17:48:44 (UTC)

Ride this one out

Now I'm stuck...yet again.

Most of the time that Chris was in town, I stayed away from
him. I knew he was angry with me, I mean damn he said some
pretty mean things to me which I was deserving in the first
place, mind you. But I knew that the best thing to do was
to just keep our distance. Within the last week though, we
were spending more time together, which made Eric nervous
sending him to Brandi's which to me was utter bullshit.
Chris' intentions were never to eat me out, as Brandi's is
to sleep with Eric even though her attempt to give him head
failed. She is a threat to which I can not tolerate, but he
will not allow me to simply talk to her. It would, if
nothing else, at least make me feel better.

Anyways, that really was besides the point. Obviously, I've
been thinking if I'm here again. My last visit with him,
two days ago, really had me going. We established that we
could easily just be friends. We were in Target just
goofing off and doing all the things we did before and just
simply having fun. That much we can do. I had the best time
just buying cds with him. Isn't that how the best
friendships work? You have fun doing the simpliest things?
We've always been like that.

But once we went back to his house to see his mother's new
kitten, I started having problems. I just wanted to be held
by him one last time. While we were just lying on the
floor, I had him hold me. He was reluctant of course, but I
knew it was what we both wanted. I had no intentions of
cheating on Eric, and in a sense I didn't. He is just
comforting to be around. I held his hand one last time and
kissed him one last time, for now.

What we discussed was that to us, this is just a break. We
do not see this as an end to us. Yes, I am with Eric and he
is fully aware of that. He may not like my decision with
Eric, but he respects it. He understands that Eric treats
me well. But we both realized that we will eventually get
married, even if I divorce Eric (meaning I had to marry him
first but we'll see just how far my road with him goes...I
don't want to get into something I shouldn't be in). That
someday, even if it takes 10 years, we will date again and
start where we left off. But I told Chris that even if
there was a chance of us getting together that night, I
couldn't do it. My feelings for Eric have run deep now and
to leave him...I'm stuck.

Especially when Chris told me that the reason he was so
insistant on taking me to the Keys was to propose to me.

I'm holding his hand and apologizing. I said everything I
had been wanting to say. I will forever love Chris, there
is no doubt in my mind. I have no doubt in my mind that
someday I will marry him. We hate saying that we are our
ex's, but for now that is how it has to be. I have to date
around, he understands that. But he understands that the
entire time he's been gone, I've been ready to marry him
and start a life with him. I just have to pospone that
again. I do not want to rush a marriage.

Now, with Eric, I have fallen in love with him. Granted it
will never be as deep as my love for Chris, it is there. My
thoughts of getting a little bit more serious are becoming
more consistant. I know I'm probably making a mistake to be
with him and do what we do. I'm looking into storage
units...to move out of my apartment and quit paying rent so
I can fully move in with Eric and help pay the bills there.
That is the most logical thing for me to do financially.
But if we do not last, and who knows if we will or not, I
would like to have to apartment still to fall back on.
However, to pay 460 a month and 100 in bills for a place I
am never in is just burning a hole in my pocket when I
could just as well be saving up for Eric and I to get a
place of our own.

Eric and I have been getting along pretty well, even though
I've been pretty experimental in ways I wanted to do in
high school, but never did before. We've had more serious
talks, gotten issues out of the way and just become more
comfortable with ourselves. I admit my problems with him
being at Brandi's all the time as he admits that he doesn't
like that I want to be around Chris. "The only reason I am
at Brandi's is because you are with Chris. But half the
time she invites me over, I decline so I can be with you."
It's bull. I have my opinions.

I believe he is still in love with her. I beleve that when
he's over there, the temptation is there and sometimes he
doesn't back away. In letters I've read, yes I have
insecurities and want to make sure that what he tells me is
true, she's mentioned kissing and sleeping together. That
may merely be just sleeping, not sex. But regardless. None
of these letters are dated. They are past tense, so they
could have been from two months ago. But he will kiss me
and tell me he'll be back soon, but two and a half hours
later, he comes home. His half an hour visit keeps getting
extended and he goes over there for stupid reasons.

Well, Chris flew back yesterday. I should fly out there in
Sept so I don't waste those plane tickets (otherwise I
won't see him till Christmas), but other than that, I won't
see him for 6 months. If that was Eric's excuse to quit
seeing Brandi or get cane from her, then it's not viable
anymore. We'll see just how often he goes over there. She
was supposed to be gone a week ago, almost, to be gone for
6 months but she's delaying it two weeks. Bull, I don't
think she'll go and his threat to quit talking to her if
she passes up this opportunity to go to school won't fly. I
think for one, he'll still see her though he knows I know
her implications and two, I don't think she'll leave
anyways.

Other than that, we are great. Hell, he even went and
called me Mrs. Leudtke last night and didn't think I'd
notice. I noticed but it didn't phase me. Yeah, I smiled,
but I didn't take it completely to heart, though to him it
was heaven. He thinks I am "it", but then again, he thought
veronica, Sarah and Brandi were "it" and "the one". My
"one" is Chris, but I may end up being with Eric. He wants
to have children with me, which in a sense shocks the hell
out of me. He wants to be with me. Now this is a first. I
have two men who love me, want to marry me and have
children with me. Oh lord and I have deep, deep feelings
for both. I just have to ride this one out and see how it
goes.




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