2003-06-21 08:30:52 (UTC)

and im alive and im alone

and i never wanted to be either of those...

im in gainesville. trying not to call him. because im
trying to be decisive that this is the right thing to be
doing. i shouldnt have gone over there this morning.
thats all and i knew it last night and i knew it on the way
and i knew it when i left and i shouldnt have... it made it
so much harder because i just started crying and i was like
please dont let me go please make me stay and i just want
shit to be okay finally im so weak without him and i dont
even have a job here or any reason to be here except this
half-assed excuse that it will be good for us and i dont
even know how i feel about that i know that i just want to
be with him and i know that i dont care about anything else
and i dont know what else i can do and everything else in
my life is different, i have at least some degree of
control where i can say well if i put forth the effort i
will get what im working so hard for but not with him, and
yet its still my fault i fucked up i fucked him up and i
fucked us up and now i have nothing left to do except leave
because i know i cant go through any more time there
dealing with this and feeling like this because of him and
her and everything there and i just want to get away from
it and think that everything will be okay, i dont want to
move on, i just want to heal and let him heal so that him
and i will be okay and im so fucking scared that im making
another mistake ive made too many already and i dont know
how i'll deal with another one...............or maybe im
just drunk.