would the world stop spinning
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2003-06-21 08:03:57 (UTC)

buried myself alive

i'm starting to put walls up....
i wish i could stop myself...
i'm tring to move on and be happy,but i feel myself
becoming distant with her. i'm still happy and still
smiling..i suppose as long as i keep walls up in some
places and keep them down in others then i'll be ok.
i hacked into aftens email boxs and read all of the letters
that girl had written her. it made me hurt so much more. i
didn't think that was possable,i'm tring sooo hard to hate
her,and the girl she's with now...seems impossable
i keep hearing about how i'm this strong brave person, but
i can't agree...i'm scared! there i said it, finally... i
can't help it..she's so good to me,i love the time i spend
with her and i know that at some point i'm going to trip.
but everytime i let it all go and i let myself fall i just
get hurt...seems different and the same to me now tho
i've been completely in love twice and both times i was
shattered. i was proven to not be good enough. i don't want
that again.i don't think i could handle it this time....
i've cried over all this for a while now... the pain hasn't
faided in the least. i wish i didn't miss it,but i'd lie to
say i don't. when i'm around caela i don't think about any
of all slips away when i look into her eyes. i'm
here alone tonight with my bottle of capt. morgan and some
coke and it all seems real now. i'm alone for the first
time in months and months...i kept mike and josh at the
house so i wouldn't feel so alone with out aften,now she's
broke my heart into two completely equal part and i don't
even have mike and josh her to assure me it's all going to
be ok. does it get easier?? ever??