My Heart and Soul....
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2003-06-20 16:06:48 (UTC)

What now?

Well...it's that time of year again. That time of year that
always gets me upset, even when I'm not involved.
Graduation. Yea. Except, this year, it's a little more close
to home. Tomorrow I have to go to the school, to watch all
the people that have made me who I am, graduate from high
school. Then what? I mean really? What happens next? I can't
even think about it without getting upset.

I'm not talking like my WHOLE class...of course they are all
going in different directions. I'm talking about my friends.
One of them is in Florida already. One is going to a SUNY
school. Two are going to NY community colleges. 3 Army, 1
Air Force, and a couple Navy, and the hardest-1 to Niagra
Falls. It's sad, but more, it's scary. Cause these people
are the people who made me what I am. How can I just let go,
and say good-bye, and wish them the best?? I am going to
need all the strength I can summon to get through these next
couple of weeks leading up to Florida.

I am scared out of my mind. Has anyone been waiting for me
to admit that? I have NO idea what is going to happen down
there, what it is going to be like. I am so thankful that I
will have amber there to go through it with me. I need
someone to hold my hand. :-( uhmm... yea

Ugh...so things in my life are ok. Graduation is at the
forefront of my mind, followed closley by my move to Florida
next month. My family is...as always...my family. They all
say that they are happy for me, and they want me to pursue
my dreams, but then the next thing out of their mouth is
"why do you have to pursue them in Florida?" I am so sick of
that. Why does everyone have to ask my motive fr choosing
Florida. Because I want to go there. Isn't that good enough?
Because I feel that is where my life is leading me. I told
my gram...Kristen is the only person who has had a response
that made an impact on me. And it was the one that made me
decide to go. When I told her I was going to Florida, her
response was "Are you serious? I'm so happy for you! That's
been your dream FOREVER!"

And yes! It has. It has been a dream of mine, since at least
7th grade, when we wrote letters to oursleves. I remember
saying that I wanted to go to Florida State. And even though
THAT may take a year or two, I am going to do it. I will
graduate from Florida State. I just hope that everyone can
give me the support they promise...cause I'm going to need
every bit of it.

I think I am almost ready to leave ny. I've worked things
out with my guard director. I'm going to see a couple
teachers at school next week to say good-bye. I've at least
spoken to the one of my two ex boyfriends that I wasn't on
good terms with. While the conversation lasted only 5
minutes, it made me feel a whole lot better to know that at
least I am being the bigger person as far as he and I are
concerned. Of course...there is one loose end that I have
not tied up, and at this point, I'm not sure I ever will. I
am getting better at not crying at the thought of him...and
I don't think about him 24/7...at best...it's only a couple
times a day. Goal number 1 for Florida....GET OVER HIM!!!!
I'll do it. Just give me a couple months.

Ok...i have to go get in the shower now. So I will talk to
you later!!!! Love you all!!! **BIG KISS**