Leah

Ramblings Of A Confused Mind
2003-06-20 06:25:06 (UTC)

Do you really think this is the end?

2003-06-20 05:43:48
what do i say what do i do?

"I really don't know what to say but all I know is that
even when I look at the name LeahAllison2285 it doesn't
burn like it usta, it still has more than anyone else did,
but it ain't got it.Something we always said was, if
something was to happen we will love each other, but KNOW
that things happen for a reason. And you aren't doing that.
SO, did you love me, or just want what I gave you?? "

I await the reply from Anbish4, or a call, or a reply to a
text message that you dont even really wanna hear in the
first place... jus to be able to know that theres still
some ounce of care in you for Leahallison.I dont care if
its got more than anyone else does...I want it to have
atleast half of what it usta. No I'm not doing that,
because things do happen for a reason, but this aint a
reason to give up the only good thing I had in my life, the
only person I ever loved. Im actually astonished,
overwhelmed, and have a sense of disgust that you would ask
me... or hint at the fact that it was jus because of what
you gave me...thatd jus be some mind game, if my
heart and soul didnt beckon for you, I wouldnt continue the
way I do... I would give up, because things merely do
happen for a reason.You know, my dreams finally started in
color, but there the worst color Ive ever seen... last
night there was this big ole wedding, and u was taking
notes, for some report you had for college the next
morning... and weird thing was, was it was grady and
carrie's wedding. and i thought to myself, that andrew noel
will never feel what he felt again. All of my feelings
aside,I want you to be happy Drew, but I love you more than
life itself. And I know that I love you, because right now
Im trying to let my grasp go, so you'll be happy, and quit
hatting me, when you say you'll love me always,
that aint true, if you loved me always youd wanna sit down
and work things out, thats what loves about.. what you can
gain, not what you wanna loose.But my heart knows that
LoNeLiNeSs is Up AhEaD, and EmPtInEsS will be BeHiNd ,
I dont know somethings like WhErE ima Go?..BuT YoU DiDn'T
HeAr AlL My JoY ThRoUgH My TeArS, AlL My HoPeS ThRoUgh My
FeArS, AnD YoU PrOmIsEd YoUrSeLf BuT To *SOMEBODY ELSE* AnD
YoU MaDe It So PeRfEcTlY ClEaR, StIlL I WiSh YoU WeRe HeRe*
when the last tear drop falls, I will still love you... I
tried puttin my heart and soul into everything,yesterday, I
tried making that my last reply to you but my heart wasnt
ready for what you had to say. I dont think my
heart will ever be able to hold everything... I cant say
that you havent given me anything- - Most of lifes lessons
are learned in pain... You dont know half of what I feel
for you, Drew, and it makes me sick that youd ask me... if
I loved you. I cant put my heart on pause, but theres no
one else, and there will never be anyone else. That
someone, like I said yesterday can go to hell, and
everything I ever felt for you, my heart will always hold.
YOu'll always be my hearts strongest weakness... and if
that aint loving you, I dont know what is. The future is no
place to better your days. You cant promise me tomorrow b/c
you dont know if tomorrows gonna be here, Drew. I dont
think anything I said today was wrong, I jus let it all go
to my head. I really cant wait to see this through, but Im
letting to b/c thats what you want.It aint over though- - I
still need you here...and whether you are gone say it or
not I know u still need me. And we always say, 'it would be
good to go away, someday' -- but if things don't work out
like you think, and there's nothing there to ease this
ache, and there's nothing there to make things change -- if
it's the same for you, I'll just hang...hang around till u
know. It shouldnt be so complicated u know. U don't want to
be cold, U don't want to be cruel -- but u say u've gotta
find more than what's happenin' with me,but if you'd open
up the door...if you'd only let me back in... then I could
see life again,Id never allow anything to happen to u. But
Im letting you go in the since that Im not writing you
emails, calling you, or text messaging you anymore.. b/c if
you truly love me you'll return but I know u won't- - bc
today you told me youd be happy never seeing me again.But
ur fine with seeing Prate? When dreaming, I'm guided to
another world, time and time again. At sunrise, I fight to
stay asleep, 'cause I don't want to leave the comfort of
this place -- 'cause there's a hunger, a longing to escape,
from the life I live when I'm awake-- the life I live
without you. I dont want this like you do so remember
that.Right now I have never felt so alone,what If I would
have never met u?I would change myself if I could, I'd walk
with my own people if I could find them, and I would say
I'm sorry to you, I'm sorry to you. But I don't want to
call you, but then I want to call you, 'cause I don't want
to crush you -- but I feel like crushing you, and it's
true, I took for granted you were with me.Because I didnt
know if u loved me, dont get me wrong I dont want you to
hurt, but I want you to feel for me, especially when u say
you care, bc Im not beliving nothing your saying--So Leah
Allison dont hit your heart like it usta?but it hits harder
than anyone else? Your not throwing me out the door of
being the one? But.. I mean.. so I see you in Exxon, I
stop, and you make me feel, what must I do then? You'll say
something about having another life your living, and call
me 'your aquantince'through and through its nothing i can
change. But I always will be the one. Who's the one you
answer to then?Is what I prolly will ask myself.. and.. Do
you listen when she speaks, or is she everything for you?
Is she better than me? Or are you comming back? And do you
find it hard to sleep, or is it easy on your own, and will
I ever find some peace before you're gone...?I dont want
you to be gone.. but that you are...At times life’s unfair
and you know it’s plain to see... so hey God, I know I’m
just a dot in this world -- have you forgot about me?
Whatever life brings, I’ve been through everything, and now
I’m on my knees, again, but I know I must go on, although I
hurt I must be strong, because inside I know that many feel
this way.I'll give you the reason.. the reason why it
happend. We thought our love was perfect and nothing would
ever affect it, so perfect that itd never have any
confusion and we didnt speak of tarnishing b/c we didnt
want to affect it, but maybe we should have b/c things
happen,shit happens..so Roo Bear, Back to the reason, its
b/c life isnt paradise, love isnt paradise, and love has
its faults.Everything has faults. God sends you angels, and
they wipe your tears, and sometimes.. jus sometimes they
make you realize your fears... the biggest fear I had was
that you was the 'one' and id jus screw it up... bc i
couldnt be who you thought i was... your angel.. im nothing
close.. im human.. n humans make mistakes-BIG mistakes. u
would have loved me till your dying days, but i didnt know
that, no matter how many times you said it, i didnt
know...blame me, ur right. i know now, what my heart feels,
times three to infinity.I figured youd always be here to
hold me when i was still here,even when i was wrong, and
when i was scared of this craziness, and i
thought youd love me when i was gone?? till the end.. u
know?.. so u love me but your not in love with me, was u
ever?Cuz TRUE love never dies.But okay,nothing seems to
help, and nothing seems to work, and nothing is as
beautiful -- I'm old enough to take all the blame for all
the mistakes, all the games and all the faces. I'm bleeding
by myself, and I'm okay..Im okay, because I can live
without you,if thats whats going to make your heart happy,
but it hurts bc every breath I take I know I can, but I
dont want to, because I still love you.I'd give up forever
to touch you, 'cause I know that you feel me some how.
You're the closest to Heaven that I'll ever be and I
don't want to go home right now. And all I can taste is
this moment, and all I can breathe is your life. And sooner
or later it's over, I just don't want to miss you tonight.
I jus dont think the rest of the world will understand,
thats your biggest problem, your friends.. your listening
to them right now. I dont think your listening to your
heart, you say your okay, but i recognize the change in
your voice.. and the longing, when you asked if i had
something else to say..I didnt know why you answered your
phone, and I still dont. so everythings gone wrong, but
tell me im wrong for loving you?YOU TELL ME.U wasnt suppose
to learn nothing from what I did, except, that Shit does
happen...and I remember that text you sent about me
being 'trashy' well Drew, I'll tell u what... I feel like
trash. You have no trust for me? Doesnt trust have to be
built up again? Youkeep pushing me aside- - but keep
talking about this "FUTURzzz" there is no future if Im
never gonna be there. Oh yeah, and I know u and steph have
been talking on the phone, dont even think about it...
thatd be retarded. Maybe your jus trying to get her with
Barney, but I'll tell you what. I havent even considered
another soul. I never will consider another one. You are
the one. So, whenever ur not busy, you want to answer my
call, and u want a text message, or an email, u call me.. u
tell me what you have to learn, and you tell me that you
dont jus like me, you love me.. and you tell me, that your
in love with me, and lets try to fix all this shit, that
you dont want to fix. and youll be roo bear again and ill
be your angel, and we'll build that trust, and will build
another bridge, and start workin on that table. until then
roo bear, ill be writing everyday.. hoping you come upon
this someway.. you need to read all of it anyways.. to know
me. to know everything.






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