Wildthing1983

Me and More
2003-06-20 02:23:31 (UTC)

Confused...Lost...Alone...wtf

Dear Diary,

Well, I've never been more confused, lost, or lonely than I
am right now. No, Brett you didn't do all of it. Just more
shit is coming to light. I don't know what to do about
Brandon, Brett, Tabitha, Thea, Me. I just want out. I
haven't been sleeping right, eating right, thinking right,
etc. God!

I want Brett to date Amanda, and I want Brandon to date
Angelica, but that leaves me left alone, and wondering if
I'll ever have a chance with any one. I really would like
to at least be given a chance to date Brandon, show him
what a real women can do for him. That I'm what I say I am.
Show him what it's like to be in a good relationship. But I
don't see that happening.

I don't see anything good happening in my life any fucking
time soon. I just foresee pain, anger, torment, and
loneliness. The story of my life. Like tonight I was going
to ask Brandon if he would like to come bowling or shoot
pool w/me, but I knew it would be a no, he already has
plans with people, and I have no money. Another story of my
life.

I'm thinking I should just give up on everything in my
life. School, love, friends, life in general. There's to
much confusion, pain, lust, lose. Why even keep trying to
reach something that you know you will never have? What
point is there? I have yet to come across a good enough
answer.

I reach out to people, try to show them what a good person
I am. Show them what real love is, and each time I get
burned. Over and over again. I don't feel like trying
anymore. I feel like moving. Leaving this town and the
people in it behind. Leaving all the pain and my past here.
Starting new. Some where no one knows who I am.

I can see the stuff that goes on here, starting up there.
Always does. Trouble, pain, and torment seem to find me no
matter where I go. Lost love. Friendships lost. People
walking out on me. Why can't I just do what other people
have done to me? Show them what it's like to feel this pain
inside my heart. Why?!

I hate my life, I really do. I'm thinking about taking a
few pills tonight, to put me to sleep for a few days. Like
anyone would even notice. Like anyone would even care. Just
drift off into the dark abyss, Never to see the sun again.
*sigh*

Pain swirls around me.

-Heather




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