Mezzo Swede

A Toast to World Domination
2003-06-18 05:41:05 (UTC)

Forgiveness & Non-Productive Anger

Here I am in Los Angeles. I drove down with my mother last
night, completely in awe at the fact that we didn't fight
about anything. Six hours in a car and we were still civil
upon arrival. Sure, we had some heated discussions, but
nothing worth pulling over for.

I am trying this new feeling out, in my life. I am trying
to apply a policy of non-aggression wherever I usually
would flip out. The hard thing is, I don't usually get
support from anyone else. I might as well give you the
situation, because I see no sense in using metaphors this
time. Luis agreed to go to a wedding with me, and we
replied that we would be attending. However, after we sent
in our reply card, Luis found out about a high school
reunion that his buddies are having down in LA. Now he's
not coming to the wedding anymore. At first of course, I
was livid. How can he go back on his word like this? And
honestly, I can still not understand why he would do this.
I understand the importance of a high school reunion...but
for god's sake...it's FIVE years. It's not like it's 10,
or 15, and attended by people you haven't seen for a
million years. No, this is an excuse to hang out with the
people you are friends with and could see any other
weekend, and party. And now I have no date to my friends
wedding.

I've decided to not be mad anymore. It won't help
anything. He's decided that he's going, and if I am upset
every single day about it, it will just make him not want
to be around me. Yes, I am dissappointed. Yes, I am sad,
because I would never do this to him. And yes, I wish more
than anything that he would come to the wedding with me,
as a favor to me. A favor that he WANTS to do, for me. But
he doesn't. Either way, I can't win this one. I'll be at
the wedding ithout him wishing he was there, but if he was
there, I'd wish he was somewhere else. Because I'd know
he'd rather be somewhere else.

Nobody else understands me right now. And nobody is
helping me be cool about this. If I talk to anyone about
it, they respond that anyone who stands you up for an
important event like a wedding is a shit. Responses range
from, "why don't you date someone more reliable and not so
selfish?" to "What an asshole. I'd be mad for the rest of
my life."

Why can't anybody tell me that in the grand scheme of
things, this won't matter? Why can't someone say "Give the
guy a break. This way you get to do what YOU want to do,
and he gets to do what HE wants to do." That's the attitue
I have been aiming for. Sure, I wish that he had decided
to not go BEFORE he agreed to and we sent the reply... but
hopefully we'll learn that next time, that's not ok.

He's said he's sorry. I believe he's sorry that I am
upset, but I think he's glad he's not going to the
wedding. In a sense I still got sheiztified, because I am
the one who is dissappointed. But the bottom line HAS to
be, that anger solves nothing. I am struggling with the
fine line between what it means to be a forgiving person,
and what it means to be stupid, and letting people walk
all over you. I've been hard on Luis since day one. And I
think it's time to relax, and to enjoy being in love to
the fullest. Because I AM in love with Luis. I want to
spend my life with Luis. I just spend so much time being
scared and upset and defensive, that sometimes I can't
FEEL. Not good.

But I love him. I love him very much. And why be angry at
the one you love, when life can be so good, if you just
drop the small stuff, and work together on the big stuff?




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