2003-06-18 03:29:40 (UTC)

ik heb meijn hooft gestotten!

I don't know how to write right now. I just want to magnify
these mental images from the past few days that are
taunting me, and I'm not capable of processing and re-
creating the entire picture for you to see.

Friday the 13th-
Chinese restaurant.
Jonathon's graduation in Santa Cruz. This brother of mine
got expelled for selling weed and acid at Rancho and is now
recieving a masters in economics. Angela Davis's speach was
so terrible it was almost amusing- the way she OVER-
nothing relevant and made three Star Trek references. Most
of it was about computer companions in development who will
record our memories for us and be substitute friends or
Jets to Brazil concert. There were two opening bands and I
was in love with all of them. When Jets to Brazil played I
was leaning against the stage at the very edge. I saw the
guy who used to be in Jawbreaker break his guitar
backstage, so then he played on piano. It was surreal- I
kept remembering that time I went to a Jets to Brazil
concert even while I was still present in the moment.
Afterwards, playing a board game and drinking with my
brothers and Jonathon's gilfriend, Robyn (I really like

Saturday- we go home. Drive up the coast.

Sunday- The Health and Harmony Festival! I was invited into
a beautiful otherword through those gates, and the
experience was such a trip mentally and emotionally. I
curled on to persian carpets and cried gently as I listened
to men playing drums and singing. Because I had repressed
and hidden myself for so long, I didn't know I was allowed
to be a real human, I didn't know it was safe or even
possible to be truly seen my others. A man with long blonde
dread locks (as many of them had) triggered this revelation
with his sad, loving, pitying eyes. Because he knew himself
truly and thus he knew me. I listened to music and danced
sometimes. I lived on free samples of food like chocolate soy
milk and cheese and palenta and other yummy hippy food all day.
A very tall slender man with shoulder length dark shiny hair
and an eccentric suit, who was the sexiest man I've ever
seen, ran up to me, sprayed me with water, and said "Have you
been missed (mist)? You'll be missed! Goodbye!" A boy
with strange brown eyes, shallow drugged eyes, rubbed some
obscure plant oil into my neck and asked me if I wanted to
smoke a bowl with him and his friends. I met his friend
with bright eyes and dirty bare feet and we smoked weed together
amidst a crowd of half naked hippies on the ground selling
jewelry they made. Ian, the boy with the shallow eyes, wanted
me to come back to their camp with him, or wanted to follow me
home and hide in my closet (as I suggested jokingly). Instead
I left them to find my mother, who I arrived and left with.
I saw a speach by Dennis Kusinnich, a demoncrat presidential
candidate, who is very liberal and fixated on peace and saving the
environment. There
were performances (the sort that seemed open to participation)
everywhere. I saw so many beautiful things and people there, I heard
such beautiful music. It was so mystical and astonishing I am
failing to comprehend it enough to express anything close
to what I saw and learned there. I felt real and alive.