lukeryu

Mental Screamings
2003-06-15 06:27:36 (UTC)

Negative Reenforcement

Why the hell is it that only negative reenforcement works
on me? I look forward and see the green land on the other
side of the fence, and yet I dont decide to jump the fence
until I look behind me and see the pack of rabid wolves
chasing me. I never seem to be able to do anything unless
there is a trigger. Case in point, the bombshell that
started this diary (for details, read the entry entitled
Screaming into a Pillow). If that hadnt happened, firstly,
I wouldnt be writing here, secondly, I dont think I would
even be considering dating Kate. But that was the
trigger. And I wish I could go without the trigger. I
just wish that I didnt need the trigger. The trigger
always causes such stress and I am always so depressed for
such a long time afterwards. I dont like it.

Now dont get me wrong with this one. I've buried the
hatchet with what happened last night. I understand
completely what happened and am not giving blame to
anyone. I'm just asking these questions more for self
improvement. Was I way off base with my expectations? Was
this back to my dreaming up the best and worse case
scenarios and thinking that it was going to be a bigger
thing than it actually was? I know there were more
questions I was supposed to ask, but its been to long since
I thought them up so I've forgotten them all in my tired
stupor.

Ambition. That is what I desperatly need. I have all the
wants in the world, and yet no ambition to back them up.
This is the fact that I am finally starting to realize.
Kate, school, job hunting, creative writing, introduction
letter, exercise, machinima, absolutely no ambition in any
of it. I must try and make an attempt somewhere. The
obvious choice and the one that keeps on popping up in my
head is Kate. The thing that is both good and bad about
that is it is the big one. On one hand, if I do that, the
rest should come easier, but on the other hand, it will be
hardest to accomplish. I think a good solution is start
with a few smaller ones that need to be done and work up
quickly to the bohemoth. Mind you, when I say quick, I
hope to be quick. But I'm not sure if I'll ever get the
ambition to do any of it.

Oh, and I actually exercised today.

And I watched a SNL rerun last night and one of the
sketches done was the Parrot Sketch and it was done by the
original Monty Python actors. Way cool. The only thing
they changed was one line about having to complain alot to
get any service. They added that they were refering to
being in UK and that it had nothing to do with the US. It
was kinda funny.

Today I downloaded and watched Chicago. It was a good
movie. At first it seemed a little obscure, but it never
got as obscure as Mulon Rouge. I liked Chicago alot,
though. I recommed it to everyone either on the stage or
wait until august until the movie comes out on vhs/dvd.

way past my bedtime, but my family is away for the weekend
(yay!) so it doesnt matter. I'm tired though, so g'night




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