Shaky but solid
Well, I've finally gotten some semblance of order out of
my life, it seems. I spoke with Jessica for a while again
today. I completely forgot to ask her if she has any ideas
for our proposal to the city council for the dance club,
hopefully I remember to bring that up in our next
I don't necessarily remember everything that was said,
quite a bit of it is pretty vague by now. My memory for
names and conversations is horrible. She got talking about
Brad again, like she always does, and I actually told her
part of what I feel. I'm not sure if she's blinding
herself to the truth, or if it's really taking her this
long to cope with it; it's my belief that Brad is done with
the whole affair and, because of his lack of experience and
knowledge, is moving on in the only way he knows how--that
being cutting off any and all association with Jessica.
God knows I care for her, but I don't know which of them I
pity more. She's had her heart broken yet again, and I
know how that feels. However, Brad is just barely starting
down the road upon which I embarked in my 7th grade year,
he's got the whole painful journey of figuring out life
ahead of him. I also know how that feels, and I wouldn't
wish either scenario on either of them.
She also revealed to me some of her feelings, telling me that
she's not sure how she feels about me right now, either. We do count
each other as friends, and neither of us wish for that ever to
change. I don't remember exactly how we came to it, but I related
something she said to my desire to get a away, not just on my own,
but away from here entirely.
I can't explain it, I just feel that this is not where I'm
supposed to spend the rest of my life. I have no problems to run
from, I'm not trying to get away from anyone. Admittedly, I have a
personal interest in getting away from the LDS Church, but it's
deeper than that. Even before I gave up that religion, I'd always
felt that life was waiting for me somewhere else, somewhere far away
from here. My only purpose here is to prepare for my life out there.
Anyway, we promised that, regardless of how far away we may
establish our homes, we will keep in touch, and every six months one
of us will travel to the other's residence for a visit. I'm sure we
both know this will be difficult, but I am truly grateful for it.
I've lost touch with too many good friends in my life to wish to lose
another. Kyle and I kept our friendship alive from nearly opposite
sides of the Earth, I'm sure Jessica and I can manage the distance
between Montana or Alaska and California.
So, I've got my life on some kind of solid ground. Shaky, yes,
but solid underfoot; for now, at least.
Right now, though, I'm worried about Jessica. I can
understand her desire to abstain from any emotional
attachment, instead taking part only in physical flings
with people. She believs that by avoiding her emotions,
she can avoid another heart break. She described to me
the "no kissing" rule followed by the characters in the
movie Pretty Woman.
I don't know how the rest of you may feel about this,
but I think that's horrible! It is my belief that,
throughout the history of our species, every human being
experiences a need for companionship. To fight that basic
impulse and deny oneself the immeasureable happiness
possibly gained thereby is tragic, to say the least. Her
theory may be sound, and it's possible it will spare her
the pain of another broken heart, as she believes. I'm
just afraid that in the end it will cause her just as much
or more pain than another failed relationship.
I hate to say this as if I'm criticizing her, becuase I
have no right to do such, but the way I see it, refusing to
take part in any more emotional relationships is just
another way of running from the problem. Going through guy
after guy, never staying with one and never developing any
kind of deeper bond, will succeed only in distracting her
mind from her feelings. Her demons will still be waiting,
hovering just outside the firelight, and when she lays down
at night, alone in her bed, they will descend upon and
attack her mercilessly. As a result of her choice to
abstain from any emotional attachments with her partners,
she'll have no one to. Her friends can comfort her, but it
takes one of those "special someones" to not only defend
against but combat the demons and drive them from her.
Jessica is a wonderful person, one of the greatest I
have ever had the privilage of meeting. I'll always be
waiting to help her, to offer whatever assistance it is in
my power to give. I only hope that she will realize the
damage this decision may do before she starts down that