Jammes14

Mercury
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2003-06-14 07:17:21 (UTC)

backlash

i feel like shit. its the backlash from my subconscious. i
passed out a lot of little slips of quotes and lyrics into
some of the lockers at school, like a mini social
revolution. i didn't get everything i wanted to get done
tho, since the janitors threatened to call the police. and
i fucking cried my ass off that night. it was a double
whammy from my subconscious: i fell short of my goal, so i
made my movement look bad to others and people will take it
even less seriously. second, i DID make a difference, and
thats the main reason why i cried so hard. the dyslexia is
coming down hard, very hard. like always, i feel the worst
when i should be feeling happy. im happiest when i do
nothing at all. in a way, u could graph my hapiness. y = -
|x|. y is my happiness, and x is the situation (negative
situations are bad, like embarassing moments, and positive
situations are like parties or social contact). im happiest
when i do nothing. less is more. but im in constant pain.
life is getting so freaking...difficult to cope with. just
everything is falling down on me. im losing myself. i tried
to bring myself to burn myself last night for the first
time, but i panicked and pulled the lighter away when i
heard my hairs singe. i always wimp out at the last moment
before i harm myself. i cant do anything right. i never fit
into any label. i suppose that could be a good thing, i
know i strive for it, but now i see why most people want to
fit in. its so lonely and cold here. its so hard trying to
stay away from people... i dont want to hurt them, but any
way u look at it, im killing someone. if i talk to them, i
always fuck up and stutter or coldly and akwardly stop the
conversation somehow. if i dont talk at all, people feel
sorry for me and feel pain themselves. i just want to
disappear and never be found again. i crave isolation. my
life would be tolerable if i never had to share my pain
with anyone. pain only grows when i share it. nothing good
has ever come from social contact. i dont want to talk
about this, im feeling so fucking empty... im definitely in
the trough of the oscillation, hopefully it will rise when
summer starts..... i hate myself and i want to die.......
or rather never be born at all.........


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