insecticide

i n s e c t i c i d e
2003-06-13 04:49:05 (UTC)

day after day

is it possible to die of a broken heart? i mean i don't
think it's broken, it doesn't feel broken. if it was i'd
probably be a total crying sobbing mess. but i'm not. it
just feels not working correctly. and i don't mean "the"
heart, i mean heart. as in that part of you, not the actual
muscle. lately i haven't known what is wrong with me. i
guess it'll always be the same old thing with me, all the
time. i'll always feel like this, and it'll be just me
knowing it. jared wants me to move in with him. i don't
thikn i could play nice and calm and happy all the time
around him. i wonder how he'd be like if he saw me all the
time just quiet and not talking or laughing or smiling and
just crying and wanting to be alone and just sit in the
dark and think about nothing/everything. just wishing i was
semi dead or anywhere but where i am. i hurt him enough as
it is. i don't know if i can do this. and tomorrow is our 5
year annniversary. we haven't even talked about what we're
going to do. if we do go and do something that is. we never
really do though. or as my father said the other night as
he gasped when i told him jared was going out drinking with
me and my cousin "you two never go out together anywhere."
that made it feel like a totally horrible relationship. but
it's always been behind the doors. that's where it always
is. it's always inside or in the bed, nowhere out in the
sun. sometimes makes me feel like it's just not real. like
you have two lives, one during the day where you go to work
and go out with friends and family and talk on the phone
and gossip girl stuff, and then at night it's something
totally different. and sometimes it just revolves around
sex. not bad sex, very good sex. just feels odd. ordinary
by day, totally sweaty at night. i mean i'll see me going
out and hanging out with my family and then recall just
earlier in the morning/night i was on all fours while he
was pulling my hair. it just sometimes doesn't feel real.
maybe everything else is right and it's just me that is
wrong. i'm sure lots of people feel this way. right? right.
i'm hoping you're saying yes. you'd better be saying yes.
if not i'm wasting my time here. sometimes i have the worst
feeling that i'm going to live forever and die with this
feeling inside of me. never knowing what it is or where it
came from or why i was never able to make it go away. i
have work in the morning and all i can think about all
ready is him. i know we're not going to do anything sweet
and romantic or nice or anything, but i still have that
wonderful fantasy where the worlds most beautiful things
will happen. roses, kisses, a park, picnic dinner, maybe
him playing any song that he promised he'd learn and play
for me years ago. ya never know. or draw me a picture like
he did once before. the only place to ever truly live and
be happy is in oneself, right? i mean you can't expect
someone to complete you and make your whole life feel or
have i just not noticed? it doesn't work that way. does it?
maybe i haven't been looking for the signs or who knows
what. maybe i should call dione warwick and see what she
has to say? i'm sure for $4 a minute, a little convo with
her will just clear things right up. well soon to be
midnight, time to call my too busy boyfriend. he's cutting
back on work, and so will i be pretty soon. maybe after 5
years we'll actually get to spend a single day together.
sounds almost like heaven. a place that everyday i hope
more and more exists. why do i feel so incomplete?




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