Montana bound
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2003-06-13 03:47:07 (UTC)


Well, I think I've finally got it all figured out. I'm
still going to get my diploma, that won't change, but even
if I were to bend over backwards and tie myself in knots,
there's no way for me to graduate with my class. So, I
figure I'll just do what Mike's doing. I'll study through
Adult Ed. I won't graduate, no, but I'll still earn my
diploma, and that's the important part.
I'm not sure where it came from, but I just slipped into
the most cynical mood I've been in for quite some time. I
have a guess that it may have come from hearing about
Josiah having such a good time with Alyssa tonight, while I
don't even get to speak with Allison because she's working
so much.
I honestly don't get it. All the little shits like
Skeeter have women falling all over them, all the guys that
wouldn't know how to treat a woman if they're life depended
on it. I, on the other hand, can't find a partner of the
complimentary gender for the life of me. The next few
paragraphs may sound like it, but I'm not preaching about
my own greatness. If you think so, then you can go to
Hell, because I really don't care anymore.
Jessica is still hung up on Brad and Marc, the two boys
she proclaims to have/still love. Marc has broken off any
associations with her, and treats her like shit every time
he sees or speaks to her. Brad just totally ignores her,
not wanting to have anything to do with her at all.
Despite all of this, she is constantly twisting something
they do or say into some sign of hidden affection for her,
blinding herself to the reality that they have moved on,
and she should allow herself to do the same. Through all
of this, I listen to her feelings and complaints, always
ready to offer a shoulder for her to cry on, make her
laugh, or just comfort her; whatever she needs, I am eager
offer whatever assistance I can.
She knows I have feelings for her, but I've gotten
nothing in return from her. She's willing to go on dates,
but she never lets me get close to her until just before
she needs to leave. At this point, I begin to think she
does have an interest in me, so attempt to further that.
Over the next several days, I get rejected mulitple times
in my attempts. Just when I get to the point of giving up,
she agrees to do something again, thus once again
restarting the cycle anew.
I'd really like for something to happen between us, but
I've got to wait for her. She knows that I have too much
respect for her to make any kind of move before I get some
kind of sign of affirmation, so I have nothing left to do
but wait.
I'd like even more to develop a relationship with
Allison, but that's become increasingly difficult since she
got hired at Athena's. She works ten hours a day six days
a week, the only day she has off being Sunday, during which
her parents don't allow her to participate in any
activities outside the family.
I cannot yet say that I love her, God knows that it's
the closest I've felt with any girl since Alyssa, but I
can't get ahold of her to tell her how I feel. I've
recently found the conviction not to let her slip away like
I did with Alyssa, and I would love more than anything to
follow through on that promise to myself. Now I've just
got to find her at a time when she's not working or dead
from it.
I can't wait until I get out on my own. Going to Adult
Ed, that is much more of a possibility, and the sooner I'm
out of this house the better. It's nothing against my
family, I love my parents to death, though sometimes I may
wish it would really go that far. I just need to get
away. No, I'm not running. I face no serious problems
from which to run. There are just too many painful
memories here. I've got to find somewhere new, somewhere
far away and remote, where I can start my life anew and not
be haunted so badly by the specters of my past. Not all of
them will be laid to rest with my departure, but it will
definitely take a load of stress and sorrow off my mind.