mental illness, yes it is real..

isn't life grand ??
2003-06-12 20:34:15 (UTC)

Preparing for my own funeral......

ok, here goes.... I have given this much thought. I am a
441 yo male. I am remarried. I was married for 15 yrs the
1st time, and i have 2 wonderful children from that
marriage. My son is 16 & he is just finishing his sophomore
year in HS, my 10 yo daughter is just finishing 4th grade.
I also have 2 step childrten that I love my stepson is 13,
and my stepdaughter is 11.
I am out of work since Aprill 11th, I have been in and out
of mental hospitals for depression and anxiety for a while
now, and yes I am goinbg for counseling once a week.
My children don't really need me, as their mom is now
shacking up w/someone who has aparently taken my place very
well. My stepkids don't need me they are fine with just
their mom. I love my wife, but we are constantly at each
others throats over how to deal with the kids.
I have given this much thought over at least the past year
or more. I know that when I die, it will be by suicide.
Now, i feel about as worthless as i possibly could, I have
no job, my kids don't need me anymore, my stepkids have no
respect for me at all, and all my wife and i do now is
fight. In my 1st marriage it took me 15yrs to get to where
I am now, only married 6 months.I need to plans this right,
i need to make it either appear to be an accident, or make
it where my body will never be found. I have 0thought about
driving into a tree, or head-on into another car. I have
thought about driving my car into a river or lake. I have
thought about walking deep into the woods and setting
myself on fire , or taking an overdose, I just don't have
the balls to do any of those at the moment. God, I am such
a fuck-up.
I totally hate my life, if there were some way that I
could magically disappear from this earth, it would be so
much better.
My life sucks so bad that I don't know what to do. Losing
my job was by far the bigest ego buster in my life. I had a
job that made me feel important, and now everybody does
their best to now make me feel like shit.
If there is anyone out there who can help me to disappearm,
PLEASE write me & help me out of this hell that is called
my life. And if by God's will I do finally find my way into
the next life, I will do my best to send some sign of what
it is like in the hereafter....