untitled

UNTITLED
2003-06-11 11:18:45 (UTC)

hmm

What affects me the most is
What could have been
Even with Johnny
It is always
Oh what he could have been
So happy
Swinging in an apple tree
Smiling unabashedly
Both of them are like me
So by loving them
I suppose I love myself?
It is strange
Johnny especially
I desperately wanted to save him
It is a desperate kind of love
He was always haunting me
Because I asked too many questions
But I couldn't handle the truth
I admire him
He can live without God
He is so strong
I want to be just like him
The fixation I had on him
Grew to love
I didn't appreciate him at first
But I really did later on
So much so that I started being and doing
The things he liked
Reading the books he liked
Reading the books he told me to read
I remember everything
He ever said to me
Am I looking for a god to worship?
The god I knew was so disappointing
Johnny thought
Jesus smoked grass
Johnny was like god to me
I would talk to him
He would give me answers
Always patient
Never angry
I'm never embarrased
Telling him anything
He didn't mind
That I was so pathetic
He was a granted wish
My biggest wish was
Always to ask him questions
And to hear the answer
I don't understand the full extent of
This depth of feeling that I had

Drinking he used to do that
I used to disapprove
But I do it now too
I feel like I was so hard on him
Even when I knew NOTHING about anything
But he never got mad.
He was perfect.

I dont understand why Adonis
Doesn't have 1% of Johnny's forgiveness
He is so difficult.
I suppose I was difficult to Johnny too
He could handle me though.
I know it is crazy
But I feel like he is god
Ok I will burn in hell
And maybe god doesn't like it
But maybe god should try
Answered some prayers
Once in a while