kiss me, kill me, hold me, thrill me
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2003-06-10 18:55:17 (UTC)


I just did a super stupid thing. Right now I am crying my
eyes out. I just accidently canceled all the downloads on
Kazaa that i have been trying to get for about 2 weeks
now. I had two that would have finished today. I am so
fucking pissed it's not even funny.

My first reaction was to get majorly pissed, then I
started to cry. Now I am super pissed and want to do
something crazy. I don't know what or how, but I need to
do something.

I have been working on my flash project that is due
tonight. It's due at 8pm so I still have 8.5 hours to
work on it. It's mostly done anyway.

I want to do something to myself for being so stupid.

I guess I had better hurry up and get that credit card
I've been talking about getting. Then I can order my
powerbook and have a way to burn DVDs. Then S can send me
the DVDs of Queer as Folk so I can copy them.

I want to jump off something tall. I can't believe I did
that. I've canceled all my downloads once before, but
that was no big deal. This is a MAJOR deal. I've been
downloading for a couple weeks to get those episodes and
two of them would have been done today or tomorrow.

I go back home on Friday and won't have my computer hooked
up to the internet. So, I can't download from home. I
have dial-up at home and a T1 here. The T1 is great even
though the university has put a cap on downloads from
Kazaa. It takes a super long time for things to download.

I am freaking out majorly here. I don't know what I am
going to do. It's not a big deal in the long run, but it
is a very big deal today. I can't take it. It's driving
me nuts right now. Why did it happen this time? I know
i'm stupid and I fucked things up, but still. Why did I
fuck them up today? Why was that in the big plan of life?

Fuck is all I can manage to get out of my mouth right
now. I am really super pissed right now. I'm having
trouble thinking straight. This is the worst thing that
has happened in quite a while. I thought life was going
well for me.

I guess my life needed to be fucked over for some reason.
I am super duper mad. I will have to hurry up and get the
Powerbook. Then go and sit in front of the Apple store at
Bellevue Square and mooch off their internet connection.

I can only hope that my other program WinMX suddenly
starts getting great download speeds. I really doubt that
will happen though. It has not been a very successful
program for me.

I am freaking out majorly here. I don't know what to do
now. I can't think of anything except my lost downloads.
I am super pissed at myself. How could I be so fucking

I don't have another month to sit and wait for them to
download. It is so terrible.

I did not set a point to restore back to. I need to do
that the next time I download some big files. I am really
pissed! I can't say that enough. I thought things were
going great. My life was really getting in order.

Yesterday I went to the Graphic Design BBQ at Eric's.
Julie, our club president, did not show up like she said
she would. So some people were a little annoyed about
that. I wonder if something came up? Oh well. We had a
great time. We sat around and drank. We also watched Old
School. That was a funny movie. It's not out to rent
yet, but Eric works at Hollywood video so he got it a
couple days early.

I can't get this out of my head. I am so stupid! I am
really down on myself today. It's not a deep depression
where I want to drink my feelings away. It is simply a
kick myself hard in the ass depression. I really want to
throw something or ruin something.

I know there is nothing I can do about it. I can just sit
here and be mad at myself. If I hurry up and finish the
website that is due tonight then I can go for a walk and
hopefully get this out of my system. I was really looking
forward to those episodes though. Now I have episode 2 of
season 2 sitting on my computer and no episode 1 on the
way. It will take weeks to get these files again.

I think I will make something and destroy it today. That
might help me get out some of my anger I am feeling right

I can't help feeling that God is upset that I'm still
pissed at him. I don't know if he was behind me being
clumsy or not, but that is my guess.

Now I am in shock. Nothing i can think of can get those
files back. Nothing short of a miracle. That miracle
would be fast speeds to download the files again.

Yours always,

Fucking Frustrated