Lil Kel

~precious illusions~
2003-06-10 07:21:23 (UTC)

long time no write...

Well it has been quite a while since I have written in here.
Since moving I've been using my ujournal instead of this
one. I guess its just more easier to access and it looks
funkier.

Anyways this is something I want to get out but I know I
shouldn't put it in my other journal.
I've just found out that one of my friends is a bi-sexual.
Yes he likes guys and girls. I was so shocked.
I had no idea what to say when he told me. ok, yes he acts
a little gay but I came to like him a little bit and so I
think I denied that idea that he could be. :p
Not only that only three people in the world know about it.
His bestfriend, his ex-gf and me. I don't know either of
them, so I can't talk about it. Plus I don't want anybody
else to know that would just crush him and he would hate me
for the rest of my life.
Anyways at first it was kind of weird. I had no idea what
to say, but I could tell he was just dieing to tell someone
who he really is. He wants to scream it out to the world
and not feel embarassed about who and what he is. But he
can't because he believes he might lose a few of his
friends and be rejected by others. :( I would be too if I
was in his shoes.

But now as I get to know him more and more, the more I find
him to be so beautiful!! He's nice and everything... but I
laugh at myself because he's half gay. I'm falling for
someone who likes both agendas. If I were to go out with
him I would be worried about him cheating on me, but not
with a girl... I'm worried he would cheat on me with a guy.
*heh* :s it sounds weird huh?
What is really wierd is talking to him about guys being hot
and what's so sexy about their bodies... when he's a male
himself. A week ago I can remember him going on about how
hot certain chicks are and what he likes about them, the
way he talked about it was like he was having an orgasm at
the same time. Then he talks about guys in the same way...
its like whoa!! wtf?!?!?!?!?!
I got kind of weirded out by it, but I didn't want him to
know that because I didn't want to seem to him that I
didn't want to talk about it freely to him.

But yeah lately it's kind of been weird. He's told me this
and I think it's brought us a lot more closer. And he feels
he can be himself around me. He can talk about guys and
girls and I won't reject him for who he is. Which I'm glad
he trusts me so much. I've never met anyone who has trusted
me so much in my life. And that is the most biggest secret
I have ever been told!! HOLY CRAP!

But yeah, I can't tell if I still like him or not. Because
lately we've been I don't know how to explain it. He would
lay next to me, share the same doona, he would be really
friendly, our legs would be all over each other... just
stuff like that. And I don't know what to think of it all.
Because I don't know if he likes me or now that he's told
me this he thinks that i'm one of his really good 'friends'
now and thats it. Like he may act like this with his
bestfriend (who is female by the way). So it may be
absolutely nothing and I could be getting totally the
wrong idea...
I told him one very drunk night a bit too much info, on my
feelings. But i made it past tense instead of present. I
don't know why I did that. But he doesn't seem to care
about it that much. Like he doesn't act weirded out or that
he has to distant himself from me because of awkwardness.
Thats it, even after I told him it wasn't awkward at all.
It was just like a 'oh really! that's pretty kewl' type of
thing and thats it. *heh* what the hell are u spose to make
out of that?

but yeah I'm confused. But I'm really happy that he can
confide in me about stuff like that. For some reason I feel
I have a purpose for being in his life right now. Like not
as a gf but as a friend. And I've been asking God what my
purpose is. He doesn't believe in God but he believes that
something out there exists. Perhaps I'm spose to bring him
closer to God, or just be there if this does get out, or
perhaps he's in my life for a reason... I don't know. But
I'm sure its all for the best.




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