random mumblings
2003-06-10 07:09:57 (UTC)

Single again...

mothers lock up your daughters ;) i went to a wedding
with alicia this weekend and she came early for my
birthday and bought me a nice picture frame which was
nice, then we went to the wedding and she was all weird.
but didn't tell me why, made up some shit about her mom or
whatever. then we came home yesterday and she wanted to
go home to study rather than hang out before she left,
which was weird, but i said okay because the exam is a big
deal to her. so i emailed her today asking if everything
okay cause i got a bad vibe, etc. she emailed me back
saying no, no (and i quote) "i'll try to be normal
tonight ;)" and "if there was something wrong between us
you'd know about it" so i was reassured that everything
was okay and she was just being a typical female - random
and bitchy. so i call her up tonight and she's like "this
long distance thing isn't working, it's over".
apparently, i'm childish and a loser, because i could be
doing so much more with my life, but i'm happy at my job.
*HAPPY* can you imagine that? read over some of my past
journal entries and see how often the words *happy* comes
up without "i'm not..." in front of it. yes, she thinks
that money should be more of a priority in my life. what
happened is that she saw my student loan in the car on
saturday and she got freaked out. i refuse to work for my
loan, and i refuse to be enveloped my it. yes, i take the
attitude, "it's just money" because i have to. maybe i'm
wrong to, she apparently feels that i am wrong to. i see
nothing wrong with happiness being a priority. i've been
miserable for so long, that a little happiness is long
overdue for me. what scares me is that she was a big part
of what made me happy, is that if we stay broken up (and i
can't see us getting back together...she doesn't like the
kind of man i am) i'll go back to the way i was, and i
don't want that. i fought for so long to be "normal" and
i refuse to let a selfish (yes i said it, i think she's a
little selfish) bitch put me back the way i was. yes, i
would've been happy to move to kingston and revolve my
life around her, and maybe i was wrong. but i'm glad that
she said something now, than after i had uprooted my life
and was working for $16/hr miserable at Bell in Kingston
instead of $10/hr enjoying my time at Data Management in
Owen Sound. i'm frustrated and i'm upset that...i don't
know why i'm upset. yes i love her, and i'm upset that
i'm not what she's looking for, and there's nothing i can
do about that...it makes me feel helpless. so i sent my
typical "last email" to her about 10 minutes ago...a time
honoured tradition passed down from michelle (in letter
form) to amanda and now to alicia, asking her things that
are bothering me and apologizing for the little things
that she complained about. i told her that happiness was
a priority for me and that wasn't gonna change, and at the
end i closed off with "i hope you find your rich manly man
soon, but i think you lost a good one here". i thought
that was a nice touch. yes it's still soon enough that i
can be bitter. amanda would be proud of me actually,
after that alcohol-induced profanity-laced tirade i sent
her ;) so girls out there who are reading this, do you
have any single friends that are looking to be hooked
up? ;)


p.s. i could cry but what scares me is that, once again, i
have no tears...pray for me