WickedAnarchyFromHell

Simply Blah
2003-06-09 16:27:09 (UTC)

Life

Okay.. right now, my main worry is that I'm going to end up
like one of those old people you hear about... Alone, no
one to care, and no attachments with anyone. I like to be
alone sometimes, and at certain moments, the above is kind
of tempting. But I want to know what someone is going to
care when I'm 90 years old. That I won't have been a
nothing. I guess that's why I'm nice to the society that I
hate. I just put on a happy grin, and hope I've made a
difference in someone's life. But who am I to say that I
have? And if I have, what will that mean in a few years? I
don't expect you guys to understand this. It's kind of
someting that I just had to write. Even the whole Mike
thing.. It wasn't just about Mike.. It was about people.
All of my life, the people who loved me eventually stop
caring. I thought that maybe I could get Mike to be the
exception, but guess what? Didn't work. I put so much faith
in something, and it doesn't work out in the end. Rebecca..
I know she cares, but I also know that she has no intention
of being my friend after high school, which kind of stings.
I dunno.. I want connections with the people who matter.
Hell, my parents certainly don't care about anything other
than making me their perfect angel, which I will never be.
I don't intend to be. Pleasing the two people who bitch and
scream at me will never be on my agenda. Why should it,
anyhow? And as for my mother, she can rot in hell as far as
I'm concerned. She's done nothing except when it's
convienent for her. She's written letters to Mom about how
she knows she has two daughters, and which is her
favorite.. (not me). I dunno.. maybe I'm just messed up,
and maybe it's all a part of growing up. If it's the
latter, I wish life would hurry it's sorry ass up. I dunno
anymore.. There's nothing to look forward to after life,
this I believe.. So what's the big point of it all? People
tell me that atheism is for the weak, but to be able to go
against the grind and beleive what you do or don't want to
believe takes a strong person. Religion is all about having
something to hold on to. *shrug* It's all fine and dadny in
theory, but when push comes to shove, I don't think there's
really anything there to hold on to. It's like grabbing for
a rope that isn't there. Becca says that I talk bubble
gum.. I like talking bubble gum, because it's easier than
hashing out the big things through conversation. I've
always been the one to write my ideas, and not talk about
them. She, on the other hand, talks about everything
imaginable. I'm jealous of her for being able to. I always
feel like a fuck up when I try to, because it all comes out
messed up.. Anyhow... I'm out for now. Peace.





Ad: