Woodsmoke

Montana bound
2003-06-09 08:34:45 (UTC)

Check squared

I'm in real deep now.
Jessica came over this afternoon, and we went to Little
Caesar's and got some pizza, then to 7-11 to get some
drinks, then back here to watch a movie. She chose Little
Women, and I unfortunately had no real contact with her
during the movie. That's okay, though. Having no choice
but to watch, that's what I did, and I actually enjoyed it.
I know, it's a chick flick, and nearly every member of
the male gender would condemn me for actually having such a
sissy opinion of it, but I don't really care. It's already
been established that I am in no way a "manly man," so I
see no reason to put up an illusion. The truth of the
matter is I'm a young man who enjoys reading classic
literature, writing poetry of any kind as well as stories
which usually have at least a background love theme, a
passion for the arts, and the courage to stand up to anyone
and tell them as much with pride.
I know I'm puffing myself up more than need be, but I
get a little touchy on that subject. Anyway, after the
movie was over, Jessica and I sat and talked for an hour or
two. I'll admit, I was hoping to do more, but she didn't
want to, so that was the end of my hopes for that. Not
even the lowest of men would force his desires on a woman,
especially one as wonderful as she. Sex offenders are not
men, they're not even human. I place far above such
monstrosities even the wild game I hunt every year for
sport.
Getting back to tonight, Jessica told me about her
feelings for Brad, and that she's reluctant to date another
guy because she's cheated on every boy she's ever been in a
relationship with save Marc and myself. Out of 19 boys,
that's not the best track record, but I don't care. Just
because she's done it before doesn't mean she has to the
next time. I don't know wether I'll ever get another
chance with her, though. She knows that I care for her,
and though I hesitate yet to call it love, I believe it
very possibly could develop into that. However, she's
still trying to come to terms with Brad leaving her, and
he's not making matters any easier. I can understand
slightly how he may feel. She was his first girlfriend, so
he really has no experience nor knowledge of what to do
when it's over. I only hope that he'll do as I did and
realize his mistake in ignoring and embittering her against
him, and much sooner than I did. In my foolishness, I
stood off from her for two years after our relationship
ended, and though we are once again friends, I'll always
regret those two years which I could have avoided.
I have yet to learn wether she shares the feelings I
have for her, and I dread that it may be otherwise. She
didn't seem to enjoy being close to me tonight, and when
she left, I had to ask her for a kiss. Hopefully she's
just disturbed by her troubles with Brad.
After she left and I finally got control back into the
correct head, I realized that I may have just dug myself
even deeper into the pit I seem to be delving. Yesterday I
sent an email to Allison from an alternate address I had
created for that purpose, telling her I was Kyle. I
informed her of my interest in her, also bringing to her
attention my cursed inability to act on my feelings because
of my insecurity and shyness. I asked her to respond with
her feelings toward me. I'm hoping she answers in the
positive, and this should make it possible for me to make a
move. If not, I can't say that I'll come out of the ordeal
unscathed. Yes, I have looked at it in the "just give it a
try because I have nothing to lose" light, and I find that
to be false. I do have something to lose. My hope of a
relationship with her. Regardless of what happens, I'll
still want to be her friend. I made the mistake of
breaking all connection with Kim after getting rejected,
and it nearly cost me my oldest friend. I won't make that
mistake again.
Well, I suppose all there is left to do is wait. I'm
afraid to say it, but with my luck they'll both turn me
down. I just hope and pray to whatever diety may be
listening that doesn't happen.


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